Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

 Christmas. A time of happiness and joy.  A time of celebration.  A time spent with family.  A time to be merry together.  Even for me, these things hold true.  I did Christmas differently this year, knowing that every moment of joy would hold an equal moment of sadness and loss.  I spent Christmas alone.  By choice.  I enjoyed an especially fine drink (a gift from family), I enjoyed junk food, I enjoyed my favourite Christmas movie (Die Hard), and I enjoyed watching the birds outside the windows, all with a sense of peace.  For me, being around people can be exhausting at the best of times, best of times being - the Depression is 'dormant', I'm well rested, the people are all familiar, and the situation is relaxed.  Christmas is not the best of times.  Depression is in force.  Full force.  Suicidal thoughts are strong.  I have no energy left to put on a cheerful face, I'm far too busy trying to convin...

Deep and meaningfuls this week.  Choices.  I had a rough week, and spoke (who speaks to anyone nowadays?  I SO messaged them) to some people in my official support group, more than once.  Our discussions tended to revolve around decisions.  The decisions that we make to keep going.  The decision to keep finding the positives.  Actively choosing to keep fighting. Because the decision to keep fighting; is a decision we have to make all the time.  Speaking for myself, because 'me' is all I CAN speak for; the choice isn't whether or not to hurt myself, but to find reasons not to. I see it often.  ' why did they choose to... why would they decide... what made them... '??  One of the things that's difficult for people who don't have suicidal tendencies to understand; is that those of us that do have those tendencies; have to find reasons NOT to go through with those thoughts.  I know that if my Doctor decided to allow me to have sle...

I got my KiwiSaver balance today (for people not in NZ, this is compulsory savings for retirement), which got me thinking to this time last year. I was beginning my fall to the deepest I've fallen.  The last time I knew how much I'd saved, I remember thinking - it's just enough to cover my debts if I die today.  It was the first time I'd given words to that  feeling I'd had for so long.  I've come a long way.  Most of the time it doesn't feel like I'm making much progress, but when I look back at a longer time frame?  I've made a handful of new friends.  I've rebuilt friendships with old friends.  I have people to call who know how I feel.  I can see the support I have.  I have a new job.  I am almost up to date on debt repayments. Things are so much better, even though, it seems like I'm not getting very far on a day-to-day basis.  Even small steps are movement.  I'm starting to think I have to stop thinking of this...

Upcoming bad days are being ignored for now.  I'm too busy feeling almost normal.  My sleeping is still rubbish, but I'm managing to get moving. Got out of bed every day since last Monday.  YAY ME! Worked the last 5/5 days.  YAY ME! Spent time with my family.  YAY ME! Caught up with a dear friend.  YAY ME! Was sociable with a new person.  YAY ME! Showered often.  YAY ME! Ate properly.  YAY ME! Sang in the car.  YAY ME! Put up Xmas decorations.  YAY ME! In the immortal words of James Brown.... ♫ OW - I Feel Good - nanananananana ♫ Thankyouandgoodnight! Derri