Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

One of the things I've spoken to my counselor about; is what I DO with my days.  It's not a lot.  It's struggling to get out of bed.  It's finding the motivation to eat something that has some nutritional value.  Time spent trying to find focus to achieve something, anything.  Chapters of books, instead of whole ones.  Small puzzles instead of massive ones.  Amassing enough oomph to go and buy milk.   And lately?  While listening to classical music. Music is profound.  There's a reason you don't play dirges at weddings, the William Tell Overture at funerals, or waltzes at the gym.  Music is an emotional shortcut (this is why movies have soundtracks after all), it signals the appropriate mood for the moment.  Toddlers are the best examples of how music can hot-wire your brain.  Ever seen one stop in the middle of a room when a lively song is heard, and boogie on down?  I've discovered over the last few m...

This week I had a new round of funding come through for counseling, and was able to get another professional viewpoint on what my brain is doing. Counseling is an odd thing.  I rarely come out 'knowing' something new, yet every time I leave, it's with new insight and understanding. This week, we discussed my inability to take in new things.  For the last several years, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything I'm not already familiar with.  I struggle to do more than skim the surface on anything that needs to establish new neural pathways.  This is one of the 'classic' signs of Depression.  Which has left me with an entertainment world full of 're-runs'. This isn't a new thing for me.  Looking back, I frequently would get to points where I struggled with new things, and my bookshelves showed the proof of my retreat, between the shiny new spines and creamy new pages of exciting new authors, there were the cracked spines proving innumerab...

One of the things I've learned in the last few years is that I take up space in other people's hearts.  On my particularly bad days, I have to remind myself that other people CHOSE to give me space there, and that they don't want me to vanish.  Fun Fact: Taking up space is all I do.  I'm an extra in other people's lives.  Most people are a lead character in the show of their lives, for some it's a drama, others a veritable sit-com, some are massive ensemble casts, and others are more intimate affairs, but most people have significant roles to play; they're integral to the show of their lives, and most people find satisfaction in it.  I'm a bit player nowadays.  I show up in other people's shows.  I'm the slightly dotty aunt, the tired sister, the online chat at 3am, the lady on the train, the woman in the waiting room, and sometimes I get to be the haven't-seen-you-in-ages old friend.  Lately I've been struggling to even be an extra...