Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

Predicate:   to found or base something on. Surviving suicide, properly surviving, moving on, moving up, getting 'better' - it's all predicated on the premise that I want to survive.  Feeling suicidal is the complete lack of that desire.  Talk about a no-win situation. Particularly this week.  This week, I was given an end date on my job.  I've been there for just 5 months, and I love it.  The people are amazing, the support I've received has been immense, and I find the work incredibly satisfying.  But in the last 5 months; I've worked a full week just once.  Most weeks I've managed between 15 and 25 hours; a few weeks I've worked less than 5 hours; and a couple of weeks were complete no-shows.  So learning my contract won't be renewed wasn't any kind of shock.  Just really sad. Now I'm looking at how little progress I've made.  I'm stalled.  I'm still here, aware this isn't 'normal', but I haven't made pr...

♫ Can't trust that day ♫ Monday's (I think) make it look like I'm less Depressed on a weekend. Weekends, no-one pays any attention to what time I get up.  There's nowhere I have to be, nothing I have to get done.  So if I choose to shut myself away all weekend, not bother showering, or even get out of my pyjamas, it doesn't register as anomalous, because the rest of the family are doing things in their own time too, wandering around in dressing-gowns and generally taking things easy.  It's the weekend after all, a time we're all allowed to be lazy. Roll on Monday.  All the other grown ups in the house are bustling around, getting showered, dressed, ready to face the day, making sure the youngster is ready for school, getting lunches sorted, finding shoes, wishing each other a good day.  Today it will be registered that I wasn't up when everyone else left for work, they'll be conscious that I didn't shower again (yet - the day isn'...

Last week, I used Labyrinth to explain how lost I can feel in my own head.  This week, a single quote comes to mind, from Vizzini from The Princess Bride.  Every time something went differently to how he'd planned, he would exclaim "Inconcievable!" This week, was pretty horrible.  A bout of extreme dizziness.  A four day migraine.  An alienated son's birthday, coming just after my younger alienated son's birthday.  That's before taking into account a very confronting doctors visit. My meds aren't working.  Even my doctor is lost for direction.  A second psychiatric opinion has been requested.  One option is to find funding for additional psychotherapy.  To talk through the suicidal ideation, and find ways to overcome it.  To discover and disempower the thinking that feeds the Depression.  Basically?  Find a way to talk/think myself out of it.  Inconceivable. Maybe increase the exercise I do?  Find the energ...