Skip to main content

Choices

Deep and meaningfuls this week. 

Choices.  I had a rough week, and spoke (who speaks to anyone nowadays?  I SO messaged them) to some people in my official support group, more than once. 

Our discussions tended to revolve around decisions.  The decisions that we make to keep going.  The decision to keep finding the positives.  Actively choosing to keep fighting.

Because the decision to keep fighting; is a decision we have to make all the time.  Speaking for myself, because 'me' is all I CAN speak for; the choice isn't whether or not to hurt myself, but to find reasons not to.

I see it often.  'why did they choose to... why would they decide... what made them...'??  One of the things that's difficult for people who don't have suicidal tendencies to understand; is that those of us that do have those tendencies; have to find reasons NOT to go through with those thoughts. 


I know that if my Doctor decided to allow me to have sleeping tablets again, I would refuse them.  Not because I don't need them (I do), but because I know if I had them here, on my shelf with my other medications, they would call to me.  They would whisper their promises of peace.  They would again become a viable option when the decision to keep going is difficult.

So I struggle with sleep.  That's OK.  Because I don't have to come up with reasons NOT to take too many pills.  I don't have them to overdose on. There are so many other ways to end my life, all of them viable, right now; and they're hard enough to find reasons to fight, without adding the one that nearly worked the first time. 

Why so grim this week? 

Because I'm here.  I got through last week, and last week was bleak.  YAY the fuck ME!

The less I have to fight, the easier the days are, and I have enough to fight already.  Christmas/Holiday time is brutal.


I went to work today, and I was productive.  Useful.  Appreciated. 

Thank you everyone in my mental health circle.  Thank you my family.  Thank you my friends.  Thank you my colleagues.  Thank you those that pray for me.  Thank you those who wish me well.  Thank you the people reading these words, thrown into the endless internet.  Thank you my past for making me a tough bitch.  Thank you my future for giving me something to fight for.  Thank you the person who blew up the balloons that made me smile today, and thank you.  You.  You who are reading this, you who makes me feel that my words are helping someone.

We can do this. 

Derri. x
Labels:

Comments

  1. Anonymous19 December 2017 at 09:06

    Big tears! Sending you endless love down the endless internet..................thank you for making stop and making me think today. Need to do a couple of things differently right now!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Better is relative.

"How are you feeling?" I feel better than the day I woke up in hospital.  Some days, that's all the 'better' I feel I've achieved.  Other days I can achieve more than that; I talk to people, laugh with them, even enjoy myself; before collapsing back to bed, my energy level back at zero. 'Are you feeling better?'  Well, yes, but better for me is not wanting to kill myself today.  I still have a lot of 'better' to go before I feel secure in my own stability. I understand that the people who care for me, are simply asking me (very importantly!) how I'm doing.  I understand that they don't have a timetable for me to meet.  I understand that my response is supposed to be honest, and without 'spin'.  This is roughly what goes through my head: If I tell them 'I feel bad today' will they think they could have done something different? it's not their fault I can't function today.  I can't say that.  If I tell them ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Iggle-aggle-oddle-adle-ay

Toddler Talk.  The noises junior humans make as they create language pathways in the brain.  This week, I dipped into my meagre energy savings, and visited people I adore, that I'm proud of, and I'm lucky enough to somehow be family to, despite being related to none of them.  It's been a while since I've been around a toddler - I've got other family and friends with younglings; but toddlers are their own class of people. Small humans are as diverse and fascinating as any other group of people.  Yet they're harder to get to know.  A small person's vocabulary is still being filled with words, and a conversation is an exercise in patience.  Truly junior humans, are even harder, as their words are barely that.  With all of them, the trick seems to be giving them a gap long enough to figure out what they want to say.  Even the wee-est seems to understand that I don't   understand, and will try to find a different path of expression. Ma...
Post a Comment
Read more

Rollicking Rossini

One of the things I've spoken to my counselor about; is what I DO with my days.  It's not a lot.  It's struggling to get out of bed.  It's finding the motivation to eat something that has some nutritional value.  Time spent trying to find focus to achieve something, anything.  Chapters of books, instead of whole ones.  Small puzzles instead of massive ones.  Amassing enough oomph to go and buy milk.   And lately?  While listening to classical music. Music is profound.  There's a reason you don't play dirges at weddings, the William Tell Overture at funerals, or waltzes at the gym.  Music is an emotional shortcut (this is why movies have soundtracks after all), it signals the appropriate mood for the moment.  Toddlers are the best examples of how music can hot-wire your brain.  Ever seen one stop in the middle of a room when a lively song is heard, and boogie on down?  I've discovered over the last few m...
Post a Comment
Read more