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Choices

Deep and meaningfuls this week. 

Choices.  I had a rough week, and spoke (who speaks to anyone nowadays?  I SO messaged them) to some people in my official support group, more than once. 

Our discussions tended to revolve around decisions.  The decisions that we make to keep going.  The decision to keep finding the positives.  Actively choosing to keep fighting.

Because the decision to keep fighting; is a decision we have to make all the time.  Speaking for myself, because 'me' is all I CAN speak for; the choice isn't whether or not to hurt myself, but to find reasons not to.

I see it often.  'why did they choose to... why would they decide... what made them...'??  One of the things that's difficult for people who don't have suicidal tendencies to understand; is that those of us that do have those tendencies; have to find reasons NOT to go through with those thoughts. 


I know that if my Doctor decided to allow me to have sleeping tablets again, I would refuse them.  Not because I don't need them (I do), but because I know if I had them here, on my shelf with my other medications, they would call to me.  They would whisper their promises of peace.  They would again become a viable option when the decision to keep going is difficult.

So I struggle with sleep.  That's OK.  Because I don't have to come up with reasons NOT to take too many pills.  I don't have them to overdose on. There are so many other ways to end my life, all of them viable, right now; and they're hard enough to find reasons to fight, without adding the one that nearly worked the first time. 

Why so grim this week? 

Because I'm here.  I got through last week, and last week was bleak.  YAY the fuck ME!

The less I have to fight, the easier the days are, and I have enough to fight already.  Christmas/Holiday time is brutal.


I went to work today, and I was productive.  Useful.  Appreciated. 

Thank you everyone in my mental health circle.  Thank you my family.  Thank you my friends.  Thank you my colleagues.  Thank you those that pray for me.  Thank you those who wish me well.  Thank you the people reading these words, thrown into the endless internet.  Thank you my past for making me a tough bitch.  Thank you my future for giving me something to fight for.  Thank you the person who blew up the balloons that made me smile today, and thank you.  You.  You who are reading this, you who makes me feel that my words are helping someone.

We can do this. 

Derri. x
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Comments

  1. Anonymous19 December 2017 at 09:06

    Big tears! Sending you endless love down the endless internet..................thank you for making stop and making me think today. Need to do a couple of things differently right now!

    ReplyDelete

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