Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

The last day of 2018*. For most people the turning of a new year is something that spurs decision making, a time to dust off old goals, to break out the exercise equipment, to make promises, and generally look forward to a better year ahead. This year, I'm looking back on what feels like a stagnant year, a year of achieving nothing - But.  Today I'm realizing I've come a long way this year.  I'm not fixed, I don't know that I ever will be, I AM however, 'better'.  Better is a relative term.  I'm better than I was a year ago.  Which means, that every day I have somehow built myself a more stable foundation.  In the way of incremental change, I didn't notice.  Until now, when I look back, and see that 365 days of teeny gains, have brought me a few steps forward.  My 2019 goal, is to not have a goal.  Instead, like this year, I'm going to focus on hanging on.  I just have to keep going.  I'm learning not to beat myself up whe...

I'm in a leaky row-boat, with a sub-standard life jacket; exhausted from rowing against the current, there's a waterfall of unknown height and risk approaching - and I can't swim either. Part of dealing with Depression, is learning the things that trigger episodes.  I have a rough few months ahead.  It's nearly Christmas, after that is New Years, then I get a mini-breather before the birthdays of my children.  Summer has always  been a difficult time of year for me to socialize;  I've never been 'outdoorsy' and I get sunburned easily, so I prefer to stay indoors - at a time of year when so many people are grabbing sunglasses, beach towels, and wide brimmed hats, I'd rather be inside listening to music, or watching the sports channel. Nowadays, I have to also consider my 'triggers'. Christmas - It was my Mum's favourite holiday, and I miss her terribly at this time of year I miss the Christmas phone call I used to get from my F...

I know what to do.  I know how to do it.  I have the support of the right people.  I have the skills I need.  And it still doesn't work. This week is brought to you by the word powerless.  I had my regular appointment with my Doctor today.  Renewed prescriptions.  Another referral to another psychologist.  The same advice regarding 'sleep hygiene'.  A repeated conversation around diet and exercise.  More feelings of frustration from my Doctor who seems at a loss for what to do next.  Powerless.  A spectator.  In, and apart from; the mental hamster wheel I wake up in every day. My 'me' brain is frustrated.  It can see the Depression brain disconnecting.  Watch it taking up all the energy I could be using to DO something.  Depression is terrifying.  It takes a lot of work to protect yourself from it.  Even now, after almost 18 months, I can't guarantee the Depression won't again convince me to c...

I've been re-reading some of my blogs, and I'm sorry they're so repetitive.  It's a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm trying.  Maybe next week.  It's a cycle of:  I'm getting somewhere, scratch that, no I'm not, ok now  I'm getting somewhere, fuckit, no I'm not... All I can tell you; is that this is truly what it feels like.  It really is climbing up the down escalator.  If I don't fight it everyday, I end up drifting backwards - If I do  fight it everyday, I have no energy for anything else. Living with Depression is an exercise in humility. Humility:  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance It doesn't matter what I used to be capable of doing.  My skills and training are meaningless now that I'm unable to reliably work.  It doesn't matter what I used  to enjoy doing.  Things that I would anticipate with excitement are now simply things I tell myself I should  do.  Together, it mean...