Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

I used the alarm on my phone to get out of a conversation today.  I saw an acquaintance coming, and knew the energy drain was going to be too much to handle, so set a ten minute timer.  Even with that, extricating myself from an intense conversation took over half an hour.  Once I escaped the high drama conversation, I spent the next few hours wondering if I'll ever have that level of disposable energy again.  As I type this, it occurs to me that I do - I'm simply spending it on listening, not on raging against the world. I can, and usually do, hide away from the world, and husband my energy resources for myself.  Rarely, I venture out into populated zones and interact, knowing my capacity for conversation is limited.  I'm trying to figure out how to expand it [my capacity] when dealing with other people.  There's a lot of flexibility in my limits, because family, and most friends, understand, and so are far less drama than mere acquaintances....

In the last week, I've had another birthday.  Hooray me, I made it to another one! On top of a geeky key-ring, a new tea-cup, and yummy cake with some of my kin - I got to have baby cuddles with the newest member of my extended family.  All wonderful things.  There is absolutely nothing on the planet as comforting as baby cuddles, and I'm reminding myself of this frequently.  I have to.  Recently I thought back on a conversation where I was trying to explain a bad week, and struggled to justify how I felt (to be clear, I wasn't being asked to justify it).  Then I re-read some old posts; and realized I've fallen into a very not-helpful pattern.  Depression doesn't need a reason.  Feeling low is not a case of cause and effect.  Similarly, good things happen, and don't automatically cause a sense of well being. Being mindful of the positives in my life isn't something I do to make myself  feel better - but to notice that the good ...

After a really good week, I was braced for a tiring one - but getting one this shitty wasn't fair.  The first half of the week went well,  I saw my new doctor for the first time.  I was able to help someone through a rough night.  I had two nights of wonderful, restful sleep.  I went to the pub for a beer with a neighbour.  I ate a couple of proper meals.  Later in the week it started to turn to custard.  Firm plans with a friend were not just cancelled, but ignored completely - twice.   A re-settling of someone else's time, told me where I stood with them (low on the list), and an offhand comment from someone else again, has sent my self esteem tumbling. All of these things, in pre-Depression thinking, I could have shrugged off.  Now, I'm fighting to convince myself I'm over-reacting.  It's a cycle of 'you're being irrational, believe them when they tell you that they care' to 'their actions tell me something else' t...

I had a good week.  I did stuff.  My team (Liverpool FC) won the European Champions League for the 6th time in their history, and I went out, joined a friend, and watched the game live at a local pub - who put on a full English breakfast too.  I introduced another friend to Game of Thrones, and with my dearest friend and her partner, I went to a trendy cafe.  I did other things too, I cleaned, I did laundry, I vacuumed, I watched the tv series Good Omens (I've read the book so many times, it would have been rude not to - it was perfection), and I leveled up in a computer game.  All good things.  I'm learning that lots of people are hard.  A bunch of people is tricky.  A few people is good.  A couple of people is better.  One person is best.  So this week has been the best of all worlds.  While I went to a very crowded, public place to watch the football, I only had to interact with one person - while getting all the ...