Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

"It's like someone painted the world different colours" - a quote from a character who has just been released from an unjust prison sentence.  On paper, it looks like a revelation of joy, a brightening of possibilities.  In this instance, it explained their inability to see the good in people anymore. Depression is very similar.  The world has no colour.  All the senses are dulled.  The world sort of ... fades away.  The lack of vibrancy is a defining part of Depression.  It just isn't there - no matter how relatively good I might feel, the brightness of any moment doesn't shine anymore.  What this means on a daily basis, is not noticing how badly I'm feeling.  Because the dimness changes.  It's variable.  There are days things seem almost colourful, but those days are few.  Usually it's a case of finding the lightest corner of gloom.  Gradual days are the worst. Gradual days, aren't a single day.  They're a pe...

A tough week, with some wonderful moments. I cried a lot this week.  I felt insignificant and that my life was utterly meaningless.  I missed people who are gone, and I miss people who are closed to me.  I felt very isolated, and leaned very heavily on the people around me.  It meant lots of long conversations on messenger, late night phone calls, and more online activity than usual for me, because I was much closer to the edge than is normal for me.  I spent a lot of time wishing horrible things on myself, cancer, a stroke... The upcoming weekend (just gone) included a night out though - I wanted to go, and was going to go, no matter how badly I felt.  By the time my sister arrived to pick me up for the weekend - I was hanging on by a thread, and needed a hug beyond badly. She gives great hugs. I wasn't sure how I was going to get on with the party, so I had an escape early plan, and there was space to retreat if I needed it.  I had ...

One of my favourite authors ever; Sir Terry Pratchett - responsible for the creation of Discworld, and all the varied species upon it; used the word 'Embuggerance' to describe the alzheimer's that nobbled him in later life. embuggerance  (plural  embuggerances ) (Britain, military, slang) Any obstacle (natural or artificial) that gets in the way of progress. It's a good word.  To me it suggests an aggravation you can't do much about.  So I herein hijack the term for my own usage.  My own embuggerance, the ever-present Depression, has been throttling me this week.  I'm sad to say the suicidal thoughts have made a re-appearance, though proud to say I've been 'whack-a-mole-ing' them back down again. It's felt like an actual battle this week (maybe I was inspired by the epic battle on Game of Thrones?), because as much as the Depression kept me down - literally, it was several days of snack bars and crackers because I just didn't hav...