Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

This seems to be a 'changing' time.  I made a mental leap this week.  Looking after myself, is not being selfish.  Putting my sanity ahead of maybe and might-be is not being selfish.  Recognizing I am important, in and of myself, is not being arrogant.  Acknowledging I am good at things, is not being arrogant.  I am trying to learn to accept myself; as a worthy person.  It's not easy.  I've got a new mindset to learn, and it's clashing with the status quo. I finally accepted that trying to leap back into full-time work was a bad idea.  Less hours a day, more frequently, is far more likely to bring long term stability; than working too hard and too fast. THAT led to a 'crash and burn'. I caught up my brother, who, like so much of my family; lives overseas, and was reminded that it's not just my 'core' family who care.  I have appointments with a new counselor, on top of more regular visits with my existing support...

Bonus Blog for the week: I've had to use all my emergency contacts today.  I'm as low as I've ever been, and I knew I needed professional help to help me stay away from the edge. So much of their advice is interchangeable, and I wonder if these well meaning people, well educated people, are listening  to what I tell them.  Yes, I've been struggling for a long time.  Yes, a major traumatic event triggered the more extreme Depression.  Yes, that was the beginning of feeling suicidal.  Here's the thing:  MY TRAUMATIC EVENT IS ONGOING .  Losing access to my children, being denied knowledge of their well-being, this isn't going to end any day soon.  There is no grieving; then moving on, and finding new meaning in life.  This grief is fresh, every day.  The underlying Depression is there, every day.  Every day, the Depression gathers my grief, and hurls it against me.  Every day is a new deeply Depressed 'event'....

The depths have been pulling me this week.  Hanging on is hard. Everything is looking really futile at the moment.  The Depression has 'what's the point?' on repeat in my head.  WHAT IS THE POINT?  Apparently, it's a common thread between a lot of Depression sufferers, and even more frequent for people who have to fight suicidal tendencies.  I've been watching TED talks, and listening to podcasts, and it seems to me, that to function as a 'normal' person, there has to be a willful ignorance of philosophical thought.  Who am I?  What is my purpose?  Why am I here?  Where do I fit?  When will I make an impact?   If I think on these things, I ultimately end up with: I have no purpose.  My life is meaningless.  Nothing I do matters .  To live normally, I need to find a way to ignore these things, and make my days mean something.  Why?  The people around me don't want me to die, I know that.  If ...

Have you ever tried going the wrong way on an escalator or moving walkway?  Remember how you go backwards when you stop trying?  How difficult it is to make it to the other end? The Depression has trapped me on one.  I can't get off, I can't see where it ends, and every single damn time I make some progress, I don't get to relax and enjoy it, because the moment I stop fighting, I start losing ground again.  To keep me on my toes, the speed changes.  On bad days I have to run to just stay still, and I get exhausted really quickly.  Some days it's almost almost  like nothing's working against me, and I can get right on with life.  Worst of all, is that suicidal thoughts are randomly hurling obstacles at me too. Cruelly?  I CAN'T FIND THE CONTROL BUTTONS.  I wish I could explain the frustration of having a couple of great days; days the suicidal voices are easily pushed aside, days I can get out of bed and get to work without the Depres...

A New Year.  It struck me.  Every day is a new years eve.  Every tomorrow is the beginning of a year.  Why do we only celebrate a new start once a year?  I've lost count of how many new starts I've had in the last 12 months.  Maybe I need to concentrate on the last one I made. I'm back to work after the holidays, and it's been heartening to see how many people are glad to see me back (I'm on a temporary contract that was renewed during the break).  I know their faces, and most of their names now.  It almost feels       comfortable. The Depression still throws it's weight around though, and I am thankful that my family are amazing.  They see me safely through the bad days, and help me regain lost ground faster.  I don't think I will ever be able to explain to them how much  it helps to have somewhere I can hide from the world, or freely socialize, without judgement for either choice.  Which loops me aro...

The twilight zone week.  The week between Christmas and New Year when nothing is normal.  Not sure what day it is.  If the shops are open.  If it's time to take the decorations down yet.  Comfort food available all day.  No structure.  No routine.  Nothing to anchor me to reality. It's a week of reflection.  A week of looking back and looking forward.  A week of acceptance and promise.  It's also a week of white knuckled grit, because the Depression is here. What's the point?  Everyone else is looking ahead, making resolutions to improve things, making plans to move forward.  All I'm capable of doing at the moment, is hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow.  Get through each day.  We had a NYE party here at the house last night; my sister and brother in law had their friends over, the music was amazing, the mood was positive, and all the people were awesome.  I tried hard to get with the mood of the even...