Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

This weekend I'm feeling pretty good.  I start my new job next week.  My brother-in-law just had a birthday, and an impromptu karaoke party broke out at home. So I thought I'd take the time to go through some writings I did in the weeks after almost killing myself.  It's not as upsetting as I thought it would be (and this is important), I was glossing over so many things.  Not just to the people around me, but to myself. Even though I woke up in hospital.  Even though I'd deliberately tried to end things.  Even though I believed there was no further point to my existence.  IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL TO ME. To be fair, I don't look back with anywhere near the same level of upset that my family and friends show, because I can see how completely logical it seemed at the time. To some extent, the logic still holds true.  My children still want nothing to do with me (it all happened around Mothers Day).  I still think that I wasted 20 years of my l...

It's been a chaotic few days.  Next week I start a new job.  There's less responsibility (than my last job), and I can stay close to my support.  I'm nervous, but I think I can do it. I have to trust I can stay aware of my triggers, that I don't fall into the abyss again.  Or at least; not so deep I can't get out with a little help.   Of course, I'm still learning how to let people help me; I think I'm getting better at it. I've been sleeping better for the last few weeks.  Asleep by 1am at the latest, and awake before 8 for the most part.  I'm getting better at getting OUT of bed too  (Hooray me!).  Also on the plus side, the bad days are further and further apart.  They still knock the wind out of me, and land me on my arse; though thanks to my family and friends, I recover much faster. I'm worried that the down days will come back. I'm nervous I'll let people down.  I'm panicking I've bitten off more than I can...

Having been settled in base camp for a while now, it's time to start looking forward.  Yesterday I applied for jobs.  I dusted off and updated my resume, and put it out there.  Far more quickly than expected, it yielded results.  Not only did I get responses, I also got an interview.  That interview went well, and they're interested enough to be putting an offer together. Now I'm freaking out.  If I end up with a new job, I'll have new people to get to know.  New tasks I have to learn.  New routines to establish. I can do these things.  I know I can.  I have the support of my family and friends.  The fact it's all happened so quickly, is it's own reassurance I have the skills to do the job. Depression is such a vicious voice in my head.  All afternoon it's been doing its best to convince me I will fail, but I'm learning to fight it.  I'm putting my trust in the people around me.  All of them tell me I can do this. ...

Today has been a brain BSOD day. The blue screen of death.  In my brain.  Today, nothing productive has happened. These are the days the suicidal thoughts are strongest, and hardest to counter.  I knew today was going to be a blue screen day, when my first coherent thoughts were deciding which section of train tracks to kill myself on. if I do it -there- the tracks can be left mostly operational for travelers    Along with composing the apology letter to the train driver.   please let the train driver know how sorry I am to make them a part of my death.  I've found it takes less energy to let these days wash over me like a tide, then when it recedes, hope it hasn't dragged me too far out.  I haven't had back-to-back bad days in several weeks now. It doesn't matter what the alert side of my brain wants to do.  The part that has hijacked my body, and poisoned my mind, says "no", and the battle begins.   I need to think eno...

Playing a computer game for the first time is always fraught with peril.  You haven't figured out the shortcuts, or found the secret stash of energy you need to get through to the next level. Some days I feel like the final battle at the end of level 2 is impossible to get through.  I haven't found the specific weapon I need yet, so I'm having to make do with tools that add up  to the same hit points, but aren't as effective as the ideal gun/sword/spell.  My O.S. continues to have the glitch that means I don't get  the extra first aid pack I need, so every attempt to beat the Big Bad, it weakens me to the point where I eventually get wiped out and have to start again.  No-one has a patch for it yet either. I deliberately used 'wiped out' there, instead of killed, because I'm not dead yet!   Unless I choose to give up, I have unlimited attempts to move forward.  I AM going to keep trying.  I AM going to keep looking for the ideal tool. ...

My Mother's family throw a big family reunion every few years.  It's the only time my sisters and I have the chance to spend real time (not stilted messages due to time zones) with them.  So we save, and we travel, and we have a blast. I paid for my flights almost a year ago, not believing I'd ever use them.  I've been out of work since June, which made my 'oh my god I'm actually going to go' budget impossibly tight, but my sister was holding my metaphorical hand, and I was looking forward to going. The reunion was wonderful.  Family from all over the world came together for laughter, stories, and games. I wanted so badly to be there.  To spend time with the awesome people I'm lucky enough to be related to.  To take part in the good-natured teasing.  To be part of a games team. To eat, drink, and be merry... I had to hold myself together and not let the end of that sentence rule me. Hooray for me though.  I did it.  I held on.  I...

Funky.  "Strongly musky". It's a thing.  It happens when you just don't have the energy (or frankly, desire) to shower as frequently as you used to. I'm not doing anything.  So I don't stink.  There's no sweat to promote bacterial growth, so there's no accompanying BO.  I just didn't shower again.  I don't smell 'bad'.  Just a little, funky. I got into bed last night, and noticed it.  It was oddly pleasant.  Much like a pet's bed, it simply smelled of me.  Lying in my safe place, warm, surrounded by my own smell, is very comforting.  Yet it made me think about the last time I changed my sheets (not TOO long ago). While tiring (fitted sheets do that to ANYONE), there had been a sense of satisfaction.  I'd achieved something that day.  I wanted to shower, not to taint my lovely fresh bed.  It was a difficult day, but not a bad one, previously I would have been looking forward to sleeping in my freshly made bed. ...

I didn't wake up one morning, and decide I had depression.  It grew, like unwanted mold in the back of a cupboard, that you notice one day, and think, oh, I can sort that out.  Not realizing that it's in the walls, under the carpets, in the insulation; everywhere.  It's so far beyond what you can deal with yourself, it's overwhelming. Things had been difficult for a long time.  I'd left a long-term relationship, and in so doing, my children turned away from me.  A long and traumatic legal battle simply made things worse.  It left me alone, and in considerable debt (lawyers are NOT cheap).  I thought I was 'ok'.  I had a good job (an awesome boss), I worked with great people.  I had a wee unit I lived in that I liked.  I had my health under control for the first time in years. Narrator - Things were not OK Part of the legal process had included some counselling.  Counselling I continued on my own for some time.  I have 'is...

Depression. It's a simple enough word.  Misery, sadness, sorrow, woe, gloom; slump, decline.  Any or all of these are correct, but none really explain depression as an illness.  How it feels, what it does, or what it feels like to work against.  For this you need a completely different set of words.  Words like: empty, hollow, worthless, meaningless; silent, withdrawn, unresponsive.  These are the words that come to (self)define someone suffering with depression. Suicidal. This is a far more frightening word.  A word that makes people respond, react, become vigilant.  Dangerous to one's self, or one's interests; an impulse to commit suicide.  This word is far more accurate with it's accepted meaning. I'm suffering with both. This is not an attention seeking statement, or a 'cry for help'.  This is simply a statement of my current situation.  Intellectually, I understand that if I am conscious of my situation, and (I hate this term) ...