Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

I'm tired. Mentally.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Even Spiritually I think.  I was 'present' for most of last week, and the last few days at home have been a blur of sleeping, dozing, napping, and trying to find the energy to do something.  Yesterday I showered.  Today I properly washed all 3 of my cups, both plates, and the cutlery.  I also swapped the hinges on my small fridge so it opened the other way.  I'm back to feeling buggered.  When I decided to put my effort into being awake and alert, I knew I was choosing to give ground to the Depression.  I knew I was just delaying the battles.  I knew as soon as I needed to face my own life, I would have a mountain ahead.  As it's proving.  Not only am I dealing with the hopelessness and worthlessness that besieges me every day, I've got a fresh set of examples of how I'm failing in every area of my life.  What is the point?  Really.  What is it?  Why...

Being a friend is a powerful thing.  Having people I know I'll do anything for; means that even when I'm not able to look after myself - I'll do as much as I can for them.  This week, what I could/can do; is be here.  So I loaded up my bags, hopped on a train, and dropped myself into a situation that is FAR from ideal. Animals.  Chaos.  Children.  Unpredictability.  I'm toast. Helping out, helps me.   I know when I get home, I'll feel good that I could help.  I'll feel positive that I made another family's week easier.  I'll feel happy looking at pictures drawn for me.  There's so much 'healing' I get from being here, that the exhaustion, the mental withdrawal I feel happening; is worth it. So tired. Thankfully, there's a super comfy couch, and my napping game is strong. Can I do this more often?  Ah, no.  This is HARD.  Being around the chaos of a big family, a family who bicker, cuddle, play,...

Back at the bottom.  The pit opened up mid-week, and before I knew it, I was surrounded by the nothing, facing yet another exhausting climb from the bottom. I'd been feeling well.  My mood was positive, changes were opening options to me, I was settling into my new wee nest, slowly making a couple of new friends. The trigger, I should have seen coming.  I was hanging pictures.  Some were in their frames, resting against the walls I wanted to hang them.  Others had been sorted through ready for pinning to my cork board.  Photos of family.  Some of my mum; gone, a couple of my dad; gone, so many of my sons; estranged.  Of my friends and family remaining to me, all live more than an hours drive from me.  NONE of this is new.  I have family all over the world.  Family who respond to messages immediately.  I have friends I can call when I need them.  I know this.  Yet.  The act of hanging pictures of people who a...

I was initially going to write this week's blog about using friends and family as human shields against depression.  Because there are people who have some kind of field around them that interferes with Depression; they hold it at bay until I leave their presence.  Then, when I tried to expand the idea into a blog, I struggled to make it any clearer than the above sentence; which is barely a paragraph. So I'm going to talk about Depression tiredness.  It's different  to being sleepy, or worn out.  It's an inability to function.  I've had some really positive days recently, which are bloody FANTASTIC after all this time - the down side is how the Depression kicks my butt afterward.  It knocks me out.   Despite how great I feel during the positive moments - once I sleep, I wake up empty.  Drained of any kind of energy at all.  So much so, that I can lay there for hours before finding the oomph to check the time on my phone - and that ...