Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

There's a series of TV ads that suggests you talk to people about how you're feeling when things are ' bad '.  To talk, and keep talking, until people recognize that what you're really saying is: ' help '. The ads are right.  Talking about how you feel is amazingly helpful.  What the ads don't say is that even when you've been diagnosed, and are getting professional assistance - you STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. When I first started talking to people about it, I had to get used to how much people want to help.  My family and friends wanted to do something , be able to show their support, prove to me that they cared.  I still struggle with it.  The Depression tries, every time, to convince me they're just saying the words, that these people don't really mean it. Depression lies. I finally realized that what I wanted out of 'talking about it', was JUST to talk about it.  Not to open up a discussion, but to have someone witnes...

I haven't figured out yet, when to relax and enjoy the progress.  I'm never sure if it will last.  Always waiting for the 'drop' after a good day.  I've had a few good days in a row, and made what feels like meaningful strides.  Today is... low.  NOT ' bad '.  Just, low.  I'm in what I call my 'recharge' mode, hiding in my room.  How I know I'm making progress; is that I have some music on and my curtains are open, letting the early spring light into the room.  My bed is made.  My clothes aren't in their usual descending piles of wearability; but where they should be.  My door is open, letting the family know that while I'm not up to socializing, I am up to visitors ☺. Progress. My dilemma is - when do I trust it will last?  When will I be able to make plans for several days in a row?  When will I be able to make real plans in advance? What if I have a bad day away from home?   What if I have nowhere to retreat...

"How are you feeling?" I feel better than the day I woke up in hospital.  Some days, that's all the 'better' I feel I've achieved.  Other days I can achieve more than that; I talk to people, laugh with them, even enjoy myself; before collapsing back to bed, my energy level back at zero. 'Are you feeling better?'  Well, yes, but better for me is not wanting to kill myself today.  I still have a lot of 'better' to go before I feel secure in my own stability. I understand that the people who care for me, are simply asking me (very importantly!) how I'm doing.  I understand that they don't have a timetable for me to meet.  I understand that my response is supposed to be honest, and without 'spin'.  This is roughly what goes through my head: If I tell them 'I feel bad today' will they think they could have done something different? it's not their fault I can't function today.  I can't say that.  If I tell them ...

The hardest thing I'm finding, is forgiving myself for failure.  Learning not to treat road blocks AS failures.  I'm allowed to struggle.  You're allowed to struggle.  To struggle is human.  Depression just adds slow-motion, while everything else is carrying on as usual.  Starting again doesn't get any easier, I'm just getting better at it; practice makes perfect?  Not forcing myself to meet the expectations of others, but to go at a speed I can manage.  When people lap me on the athletic track of life, I have to remember it's not a competition.  We're all running our own races.  Mine is twisted, crooked, and loaded with hurdles; water hazards, quicksand, and scattered mines.  I don't know about the obstacles in the lanes next to me, I can only deal with mine.  To get to the hazard-free straights, I have to pace myself.  I have to tackle each thing as it comes and not worry about the next one. It's tricky. ...

Halfway to work.  Stomach twisting again.  Nauseous again.  I can't do this . I came home again. I've spent my life doing what needed to be done.  Every time I was faced with a new problem, I'd figure a way through it.  Sometimes the solutions were long and time-consuming.  Sometimes the solutions were emotionally damaging.  I found a way.  Every time. I can't do this is the heaviest piece of baggage that Depression brought with it.  The inability to push through the problem.  Being incapable of climbing the wall of doubt.  Facing another impossible ice wall on my climb up the mountain, I find myself looking for the top of it, and seeing it go on forever.  Staying with the Mt Everest metaphor, I know it's an optical illusion.  That the next plateau is closer than I think.  But my mental hands are numb today, and can't hold on to the tools I have.  My body is frozen, and I'm stuck.    The ongoing bat...

I started a new job this week.  I really like it.  I've been there 2 days.  I've met loads of people, and enjoyed interacting with them.  Wednesday morning, my brain said "no".  I've fallen into a crack, and need to take a minute to get back up. My stomach had been gurgling all night, and my head was full of spikes.  On top of the usual new-job nerves, and the new-people brain pressure, my body had decided to get in on the act too. I've stayed home today.  I've spent a lot of time in the bathroom while my body stressed out.  I've had a sleep.  I will look after myself today, and GO TO WORK TOMORROW, even though the thought of it right now is making me queasy.  Instead of falling so badly I've rolled all the way to the bottom of Mt Everest; I've just stopped moving forward.  I can get back up, and not lose any ground I've made.  I'm taking a day to brace myself, brush myself off, and start climbing again tomorrow. The Depressi...

Way back in June I posted this to my FB page: "Most people know I’ve been struggling. Most people don’t realize I tried to kill myself last month. I managed to get help in time. Emergency services are amazing. Thing is; there’s no road map back to ‘normal’. My family, friends, boss, and co-workers saw me struggling, and tried to help, but I walked into the suicidal minefield anyway, and It blew up in my face, as everyone knew was possible. I survived. I’m emotionally battered, bruised, and scarred. Now I have to navigate a path out of the minefield. It’s hard. Previous survivors have left tools and hints; but everyone’s exit from the minefield is different. Some of the tools have hidden triggers in them, and some of the hints head toward the worst patches - there is no clearly marked path. I can see the same people who tried to help before, on the edges of the field, cheering me on, offering extended hands; I can’t reach them yet. I have to find my way through a m...

It's 3:14am.  I haven't slept at all.  I'm super tired, and my brain just won't SHUT UP. I start my new job the day after tomorrow (make that - tomorrow), and the doubts are ganging up on me.  It's a never ending game of whack-a-mole, every time I manage to make one self-doubt go away, at least one more pops up. I'm thankful I've got some tools now, tools that help whack each mole as it appears.  This is the sort of night that used to be an indicator of a 'very bad day' tomorrow.  Not that this tomorrow is going to be particularly easy - not on sod all sleep - I'm just far less likely to be zombie-shuffling around thinking I'm a waste of space and oxygen. I give a good 'pep-talk'.  To other people.  I can tell them their self-perception is skewed.  I can tell them they're talented.  I can tell them they are wonderful people. I can't seem to figure out how to convince myself of these things.  Each time I try, th...