Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

It's nearly time. I'm almost there.  The plans are becoming definite in my head.  I'm going to be brave, and move out, back on my own again.  It won't happen in a hurry, there are things I need to get sorted first (finances/transportation), and it will depend on if I can get a place at all.  But, the plans are there.  I'm just about at a point where action will happen. Pre-Depression, I was able to think a thing, plan a thing, and do a thing, in no time at all.  Even major decisions, once made, were acted on quickly.  Now, not so much.  I've learned that working with Depression means giving ideas time to become rock solid, to settle in deep enough they can't be pushed aside.  Depression doesn't want  me to move forward.  It's easiest to live with, when I do nothing.  Easier to get through the days if I'm not pushing against it.  So I'm learning.  This has been a hard class to get pass marks in.  Moving for...

Depression makes interacting with people difficult.  It's not that I don't want to, or that I don't care; it's an inability to find a way to engage. I watch other people spend time with each other; and see them manage to have silly, meaningful, worthwhile, ridiculous, and even deeply emotional conversations; and I wonder how they do it.  I wonder how I  used to do it.  There's something missing now. Imagine a wall full of interconnected wheels, a close knit circle of cogs is a family unit, and each of them connects with multiple relations and friends; who in turn are connected to their family units - and so on and so on.  I feel like a cog with no teeth.  There's nothing I can use to engage with other cogs.  I'm there, I'm on the 'wall', in close proximity to plenty of others, I simply can't find a way to flow with them.  My 'teeth' have worn to almost nothing.  Sometimes one close to me manages to connect for a while, and I bri...

There's a suicide awareness tattoo that has become well known over the last few years. It's powerful because it's true.  The trick of waiting, choosing not to put an end to things, to instead put things on hold; is a relatively easy one to learn.  Just put off the decision.  If you can't put off the decision, put off the action.  Make taking action into something difficult.  Make it easier to do nothing. My basic avoidance tool, is that my sister looks after my sleeping pills.  I don't know where she hides them.  On the days I can't put off the decision, and am thinking about how to take action; the simplest one, is now too much hard work, and all I can do, is pull the sheets over my head, and wait. The brief time between survival over suicide, and the rise of the Depression is wonderful.  A day, maybe two, of almost normal.  Of being able to see things clearly.  This time, I even managed to avoid comparing my ability to do stuff ...

Monday.  My day of self-assessment. This week, all I can report is that I'm standing.  I can report that I haven't been suicidal, and I can report I've had enough sleep.  I get asked "How are you doing?" by people who care.  At times like these, all I can reply is that "I'm getting there.".  Where exactly?  I don't know.  I'm just; getting there.  I'm putting one metaphorical foot in front of another, and trying not to fall backward.  Ever walked on a treadmill?  It's a bit like that.  The Depression is the machine, determined that I fail and fall into the mire behind me - but this week; I've been able to keep up.  I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere close to the controls, but I haven't fallen backward either. The whole situation is bloody frustrating.  I work damned hard, to 'get' nowhere.  So much sodding energy, just to not fall back.  And this is a good  week.  Bad weeks, I can feel the gapi...