Keep pushing? Yeah right.

Predicate: to found or base something on.

Surviving suicide, properly surviving, moving on, moving up, getting 'better' - it's all predicated on the premise that I want to survive. Feeling suicidal is the complete lack of that desire. Talk about a no-win situation.

Particularly this week. This week, I was given an end date on my job. I've been there for just 5 months, and I love it. The people are amazing, the support I've received has been immense, and I find the work incredibly satisfying. But in the last 5 months; I've worked a full week just once. Most weeks I've managed between 15 and 25 hours; a few weeks I've worked less than 5 hours; and a couple of weeks were complete no-shows. So learning my contract won't be renewed wasn't any kind of shock. Just really sad.

Now I'm looking at how little progress I've made. I'm stalled. I'm still here, aware this isn't 'normal', but I haven't made progress.

I'm like a car. The panels are a little run down, the chassis is fit for purpose, and the engine works. But. I've stalled, and the brakes have seized. I'm stuck, unable get going again. I'm just sitting here, going nowhere.

Here's the kicker. I don't have the desire to get out and push. To get up and fight. For all of this to work, all the talking, all the different medications, all the support; for it to work - I have to WANT it badly enough.

I don't want it. So I have a 'second opinion' to get. The last time I spoke to my Doctor, he referred me to a different Psychologist, if they agree that ECT is the next step, there's still a number of steps before Electroconvulsive Therapy is on the table as an option.

If a reboot will help me feel awake, will allow me to feel something with intensity, will jolt me into giving a crap and trying harder? I should want that. But right now? I'd rather curl up and ignore the world, because I don't have the energy to care about it.

Now to find the energy to get in as many hours as I can this week.

Derri.

Comments

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