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Inconcievable!

Last week, I used Labyrinth to explain how lost I can feel in my own head.  This week, a single quote comes to mind, from Vizzini from The Princess Bride.  Every time something went differently to how he'd planned, he would exclaim "Inconcievable!"

This week, was pretty horrible.  A bout of extreme dizziness.  A four day migraine.  An alienated son's birthday, coming just after my younger alienated son's birthday.  That's before taking into account a very confronting doctors visit.

My meds aren't working.  Even my doctor is lost for direction.  A second psychiatric opinion has been requested. 

One option is to find funding for additional psychotherapy.  To talk through the suicidal ideation, and find ways to overcome it.  To discover and disempower the thinking that feeds the Depression.  Basically?  Find a way to talk/think myself out of it.  Inconceivable.

Maybe increase the exercise I do?  Find the energy to promote natural endorphins.  Inconceivable.

Because, at the moment?  If things don't improve?  The next step is Electroconvulsive Therapy.

A week ago?  Inconceivable.

Depression is the ultimate Catch 22.  To overcome it, I have to find the reasons to not give in;  to accept my own worth, to believe I have a reason to be here, to trust I have a future.  These things are inconceivable to me, because I DON'T believe/accept/trust these things.  Depression has stunted my capacity for it.

I try to.  I truly do.  I hear the things people say to me.  I feel the love they give me.  I simply don't grasp why.

I'm not fishing for compliments, or looking for some kind of personal cheer squad.  I just don't understand what other people see in me.  And to discover that I HAVE to find the ability to do just that, to avoid a freakin' frightening option, is, well, inconceivable.

Derri.
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