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Embuggerance

One of my favourite authors ever; Sir Terry Pratchett - responsible for the creation of Discworld, and all the varied species upon it; used the word 'Embuggerance' to describe the alzheimer's that nobbled him in later life.

embuggerance (plural embuggerances) (Britain, military, slang) Any obstacle (natural or artificial) that gets in the way of progress.


It's a good word.  To me it suggests an aggravation you can't do much about.  So I herein hijack the term for my own usage. 

My own embuggerance, the ever-present Depression, has been throttling me this week.  I'm sad to say the suicidal thoughts have made a re-appearance, though proud to say I've been 'whack-a-mole-ing' them back down again.


It's felt like an actual battle this week (maybe I was inspired by the epic battle on Game of Thrones?), because as much as the Depression kept me down - literally, it was several days of snack bars and crackers because I just didn't have the energy to get/stay out of bed - I also managed to make plans - actual 'intend to go through with' plans - to spend time with some of my most amazing people.   

My family and friends have a role in keeping me armed against the black thoughts, which ultimately comes down to being the best possible use of peer-pressure.  They don't want me to.  They make sure I know they don't want me to, and because I know my own brain is faulty, and I know these others see my situation more clearly, I have to believe them when they assure me I'm wrong to let the black thoughts get hold. 

There are also people out there, who don't even know they're part of my support structure.  Someone posted some dizzy gerbils on facebook, and generated my only smile that day.  There are the strangers who create historic portrait memes, and the people responsible for upsidedowndogs.com.  Without those random people, my support network would be under a hell of a lot more pressure. 

Now the hope is that the embuggerance will give me a sodding break for a while and let me be ok for a few days in a row.  Because it's brutal arguing with yourself;  For every reason I can give for not doing it, the Depression has one to counter it, and, as it lives in my head, it uses arguments I already agree with (and I'm pretty smart, just sayin') - and I'm exhausted.


I wonder where you get a bigger mallet for Whack-A-Mole?

Derri.
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