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Better is relative.

"How are you feeling?"

I feel better than the day I woke up in hospital.  Some days, that's all the 'better' I feel I've achieved.  Other days I can achieve more than that; I talk to people, laugh with them, even enjoy myself; before collapsing back to bed, my energy level back at zero.

'Are you feeling better?'  Well, yes, but better for me is not wanting to kill myself today.  I still have a lot of 'better' to go before I feel secure in my own stability.

I understand that the people who care for me, are simply asking me (very importantly!) how I'm doing.  I understand that they don't have a timetable for me to meet.  I understand that my response is supposed to be honest, and without 'spin'. 

This is roughly what goes through my head: If I tell them 'I feel bad today' will they think they could have done something different? it's not their fault I can't function today.  I can't say that.  If I tell them 'I feel fine', I'm just lying.  I can't say that.  If I tell them 'I'm overwhelmed', will they try and give me advice to cope with stuff? I have professionals helping me, the advice, while well intentioned, isn't needed.  I can't say that.  People trying to help are sometimes more effort to deal with than strangers.  I'll tell them 'I'm tired', then they won't feel bad when I go and hide.  Yeah, that'll do it.


I recognize 'I'm tired' isn't actually a helpful response; but what AM I supposed to say to people? 

  • I only thought about killing myself twice today and talked myself out of it quite quickly
  • I washed today.
  • I feel worthless and unwanted but I'm learning to trust tomorrow won't be so bad.
  • I have a headache from crying most of the night.
  • My dreams convince me I'm invisible and useless.
  • Thank you for asking now fuck off and leave me alone.
  • I hate you all for having happiness around you.
  • I hate myself for hating you all for having happiness around you.
  • I'm lonely.
  • I wish I could laugh more.
  • I resent the joy other people have.
  • I hate myself for resenting the joy other people have.
  • I wonder if I have anything positive left in me at all.
  • I feel like I infect other people with misery.
None of these is a fair thing to say to anyone who is genuinely trying to help me.  These are poisonous thoughts in my own head.  Thoughts I'm learning to acknowledge, and deal with, 'healthily'.  There's nothing another person can do to make these things 'better', but by saying any of those things, I add to their worry. 

I know people worry about me.  I worry about me.  I feel myself power down, to conserve battery life, non essential apps stop functioning, and only the basic functions operate. 

 

Buying a new battery isn't an option.  I have to refurbish the one I have.  The trick is doing it while it's in use.  

Derri
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