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Flat.

I'm tired.

Mentally.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Even Spiritually I think. 

I was 'present' for most of last week, and the last few days at home have been a blur of sleeping, dozing, napping, and trying to find the energy to do something.  Yesterday I showered.  Today I properly washed all 3 of my cups, both plates, and the cutlery.  I also swapped the hinges on my small fridge so it opened the other way.  I'm back to feeling buggered. 


When I decided to put my effort into being awake and alert, I knew I was choosing to give ground to the Depression.  I knew I was just delaying the battles.  I knew as soon as I needed to face my own life, I would have a mountain ahead.  As it's proving.  Not only am I dealing with the hopelessness and worthlessness that besieges me every day, I've got a fresh set of examples of how I'm failing in every area of my life. 

What is the point?  Really.  What is it?  Why is the struggle constant?  For EVERYONE.  Why do the majority keep fighting?  How many manage to find what they're looking for?  What ARE they looking for?  Where do they find the strength to keep going?  How do they find the courage to try again when they fail?  And why can't I?

I'm trying to think of a metaphor that works, and this week they're all food related.  Collapsed souffle.  Dead yeast.  Flat soda.  Over-boiled veges. 


This week; I'm pondering Why?

Derri.
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