Back at the bottom. The pit opened up mid-week, and before I knew it, I was surrounded by the nothing, facing yet another exhausting climb from the bottom.
I'd been feeling well. My mood was positive, changes were opening options to me, I was settling into my new wee nest, slowly making a couple of new friends.
The trigger, I should have seen coming. I was hanging pictures. Some were in their frames, resting against the walls I wanted to hang them. Others had been sorted through ready for pinning to my cork board. Photos of family. Some of my mum; gone, a couple of my dad; gone, so many of my sons; estranged. Of my friends and family remaining to me, all live more than an hours drive from me. NONE of this is new. I have family all over the world. Family who respond to messages immediately. I have friends I can call when I need them. I know this. Yet. The act of hanging pictures of people who aren't in my life anymore was brutal. Knowing I would never get another kick up the ass from my Mum, never hear encouragement from my Dad, and the constantly bleeding wound that is the separation from my sons; hit me like a ton of bricks. Again. I miss them so fucking much.
I had good things this week too, don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful visit from my daughter-in-law who brought the newest addition to the family, and that put a decent sized band-aid on things for a while (baby cuddles fix lots of things). The building I live in held a meet and greet, which wasn't so big as to be daunting, and the few people I spoke to seemed friendly. Unfortunately, the thing with Depression is that the positive stuff gets weighted differently, and don't have the same grip; they have less staying power. Plus, I ran out of tea bags. So overall, the week was pretty bad.
It's really difficult to convince myself that I have any worth. The Depression is well entrenched telling me I'm worthless, and is constantly telling me I'm a terrible person. When an opportunity like this week appears, the Depression goes into overdrive. Now it has proof. See? even your children don't want you. See? everyone else in the building is just being polite. See? they don't think to tell you things. See? No-one really likes you. See? nothing you do makes an impact. See? you aren't clever at all. See? you even ran out of tea bags you're so useless. See? See? All this on top of it's usual litany of you're fat, you're ugly, you're unwanted, you're stupid, you're nothing, you're no-one...
I managed to scrounge enough change together to buy more tea bags, which meant I had to get out of bed, get dressed, and go to the shop to get them. I'll hopefully feel a little better after I regain my usual tea-levels, we'll see.
Derri.
I'd been feeling well. My mood was positive, changes were opening options to me, I was settling into my new wee nest, slowly making a couple of new friends.
The trigger, I should have seen coming. I was hanging pictures. Some were in their frames, resting against the walls I wanted to hang them. Others had been sorted through ready for pinning to my cork board. Photos of family. Some of my mum; gone, a couple of my dad; gone, so many of my sons; estranged. Of my friends and family remaining to me, all live more than an hours drive from me. NONE of this is new. I have family all over the world. Family who respond to messages immediately. I have friends I can call when I need them. I know this. Yet. The act of hanging pictures of people who aren't in my life anymore was brutal. Knowing I would never get another kick up the ass from my Mum, never hear encouragement from my Dad, and the constantly bleeding wound that is the separation from my sons; hit me like a ton of bricks. Again. I miss them so fucking much.
I had good things this week too, don't get me wrong. I had a wonderful visit from my daughter-in-law who brought the newest addition to the family, and that put a decent sized band-aid on things for a while (baby cuddles fix lots of things). The building I live in held a meet and greet, which wasn't so big as to be daunting, and the few people I spoke to seemed friendly. Unfortunately, the thing with Depression is that the positive stuff gets weighted differently, and don't have the same grip; they have less staying power. Plus, I ran out of tea bags. So overall, the week was pretty bad.
It's really difficult to convince myself that I have any worth. The Depression is well entrenched telling me I'm worthless, and is constantly telling me I'm a terrible person. When an opportunity like this week appears, the Depression goes into overdrive. Now it has proof. See? even your children don't want you. See? everyone else in the building is just being polite. See? they don't think to tell you things. See? No-one really likes you. See? nothing you do makes an impact. See? you aren't clever at all. See? you even ran out of tea bags you're so useless. See? See? All this on top of it's usual litany of you're fat, you're ugly, you're unwanted, you're stupid, you're nothing, you're no-one...
I managed to scrounge enough change together to buy more tea bags, which meant I had to get out of bed, get dressed, and go to the shop to get them. I'll hopefully feel a little better after I regain my usual tea-levels, we'll see.
Derri.
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