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Better than what?

The last day of 2018*.

For most people the turning of a new year is something that spurs decision making, a time to dust off old goals, to break out the exercise equipment, to make promises, and generally look forward to a better year ahead.


This year, I'm looking back on what feels like a stagnant year, a year of achieving nothing - But.  Today I'm realizing I've come a long way this year.  I'm not fixed, I don't know that I ever will be, I AM however, 'better'.  Better is a relative term.  I'm better than I was a year ago.  Which means, that every day I have somehow built myself a more stable foundation.  In the way of incremental change, I didn't notice.  Until now, when I look back, and see that 365 days of teeny gains, have brought me a few steps forward. 


My 2019 goal, is to not have a goal.  Instead, like this year, I'm going to focus on hanging on.  I just have to keep going.  I'm learning not to beat myself up when I have a run of bad days.  I know they're not something I can control.  What I CAN control, is taking steps to 'hang on' during them.  I'm trying to eat better.  To exercise better.  To sleep better.  I'm not very good at these things, and I'm learning that's ok too.  So long as I keep trying.  I'm allowed to be tired.  Trying is hard.  I'm allowed to feel low.  Depression is a bitch.  I'm allowed to be frustrated, and I'm allowed to have days when I want to give up. 

I've stopped telling myself tomorrow will be better.  Tomorrow is too close.  Tomorrow is too small a positive change to notice, besides, tomorrow might be a bad day - don't put pressure on tomorrow, let it be what it will be.  Instead I'm working toward 'this time next year'.  Yup, you heard it here first folks!  I'm assuming I'll be here this time next year. 


That's better.

D

*next week I'll talk about getting through Christmas.
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