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Heading into stormy seas

I'm in a leaky row-boat, with a sub-standard life jacket; exhausted from rowing against the current, there's a waterfall of unknown height and risk approaching - and I can't swim either.


Part of dealing with Depression, is learning the things that trigger episodes.  I have a rough few months ahead.  It's nearly Christmas, after that is New Years, then I get a mini-breather before the birthdays of my children. 

Summer has always been a difficult time of year for me to socialize;  I've never been 'outdoorsy' and I get sunburned easily, so I prefer to stay indoors - at a time of year when so many people are grabbing sunglasses, beach towels, and wide brimmed hats, I'd rather be inside listening to music, or watching the sports channel.


Nowadays, I have to also consider my 'triggers'.
Christmas -

  • It was my Mum's favourite holiday, and I miss her terribly at this time of year
  • I miss the Christmas phone call I used to get from my Father
  • There are reminders everywhere that it's a time of family and forgiveness
  • My friends and family go out of their way to invite me to things (making me super aware how lonely Depression is)
  • Christmas events are full of people I have no connection to, loud, and crowded
New Years - 
  • New Beginnings (the Depression has A LOT to say about these)
  • Seeing in the New Year alone
  • Lacking resolutions, or drive to see change
  • Reminder of achieving nothing in the previous year
Birthdays - 
  • I miss them
  • I don't know what they would have wanted to do for the day
  • I can't celebrate with them
  • I miss them
  • I don't know how much they've grown
  • I don't know how much they've learned
  • I don't know what they're looking forward to
  • I miss them
...and these are what I can think of without even trying.  

I'm still learning though.  I'm keeping in touch with my friends.  I'm trying to find social; but not overwhelming - things to do.  I've timed the funding for counselor appointments better this year.  I'm as ready as I can be, and I worry it won't be enough.  It's draining having to think ahead to possibly worse days, while fighting for today.

It's no secret that help-line callers increase, suicide attempts increase, and sufferers of Depression get worse at Christmas.  Christmas is a stressor for everyone.


Be kind to each other.

Derri.
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