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A broken record.

I've been re-reading some of my blogs, and I'm sorry they're so repetitive.  It's a broken record.  I'm tired.  I'm trying.  Maybe next week.  It's a cycle of:  I'm getting somewhere, scratch that, no I'm not, ok now I'm getting somewhere, fuckit, no I'm not...

All I can tell you; is that this is truly what it feels like.  It really is climbing up the down escalator.  If I don't fight it everyday, I end up drifting backwards - If I do fight it everyday, I have no energy for anything else.


Living with Depression is an exercise in humility.

Humility: modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance

It doesn't matter what I used to be capable of doing.  My skills and training are meaningless now that I'm unable to reliably work.  It doesn't matter what I used to enjoy doing.  Things that I would anticipate with excitement are now simply things I tell myself I should do.  Together, it means that the world is ticking along regularly, without my input.  The tiny broken cog that is me, in the intricate workings of society, has no impact on the overall function.

Humbling.  Once realized, there seems no need to keep fighting...  aaand we're back on the treadmill - this is usually the point I try and make contact with people (see - I can learn) who in their everyday conversation, let me know they care what happens to me.  I may not be an important cog to the world, but my absence would be felt by people I don't want to hurt.


I'm pretty sure I'm safe from suicide these days.  If for no other reason, than on NO level, do I want my children to feel any kind of guilt at my inability to cope.  None of my escalator battles are on them.  Yes, I miss them.  Brutally.  I miss them every day.  I miss them in a myriad of small ways that defy description.  Yes, missing them makes this harder, it's substantial ammunition for the Depression after all.  Would regaining contact with them magically fix everything?  No.  I would still be battling.  I'd just be doing it with more positives happening around me.  I would be fighting the same fights I fight now.

Trying to move against the sticky tar of Depression's apathy.  Convincing myself that I have value as a person.  Feeling drained by social interaction.  Wishing I didn't have to do it all again tomorrow.


Tomorrow always comes though, and every day I face the escalator moving toward me.  Some mornings I can't start climbing, and I get dragged under.  Those are the mornings I feel glued to the mattress.  Other days, I manage to start climbing, only to get worn-out before the escalator does, to get dragged under later in the day.  Hello Depression napping.  Occasionally, once in a while; I'll get far enough ahead of the escalator to get something achieved before falling behind the energy-curve again.  Those days don't happen often.

I'm tired of tomorrows.

Derri.
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