After a really good week, I was braced for a tiring one - but getting one this shitty wasn't fair. The first half of the week went well, I saw my new doctor for the first time. I was able to help someone through a rough night. I had two nights of wonderful, restful sleep. I went to the pub for a beer with a neighbour. I ate a couple of proper meals.
Later in the week it started to turn to custard. Firm plans with a friend were not just cancelled, but ignored completely - twice. A re-settling of someone else's time, told me where I stood with them (low on the list), and an offhand comment from someone else again, has sent my self esteem tumbling.
All of these things, in pre-Depression thinking, I could have shrugged off. Now, I'm fighting to convince myself I'm over-reacting. It's a cycle of 'you're being irrational, believe them when they tell you that they care' to 'their actions tell me something else' to 'their reasons are real and valid' to 'am I a priority to anyone?' and back to the beginning again.
I'm fighting to stay balanced. I'm trying to get better at letting people 'in', and I know that part of that is opening myself to hurt and upset - what I didn't expect, was for it all to arrive in a bunch and knock me backward a long way. It hurts feeling that you have such little import in other people's lives, particularly when these are the people I've chosen to try and open up to.
So much of living with Depression is finding a balance. Some days it's a wide path that can take some wobbles, maybe even a fall or two - other days are an acid-drenched knife-edge over a pit of lava, and breathing hard is risky. I had both this week. This morning, my eyes are achy and scratchy from crying, so I'm not even trying today. I'm hiding in my room. Ignoring the world. I'm reading a book I've re-read regularly for over 30 years. I've escaped into the unreality of fiction. No real world drama, no expectations, no disappointments. Giving my battered heart the placebo balm of happy ever after.
Today, I'm not playing the game. I'm not putting energy into anything. I'm still in my pjs, I've eaten cereal and microwave popcorn.
Tomorrow I'll pick up the dice again, and hope to get a ladder and not a snake. Maybe.
Derri.
Later in the week it started to turn to custard. Firm plans with a friend were not just cancelled, but ignored completely - twice. A re-settling of someone else's time, told me where I stood with them (low on the list), and an offhand comment from someone else again, has sent my self esteem tumbling.
All of these things, in pre-Depression thinking, I could have shrugged off. Now, I'm fighting to convince myself I'm over-reacting. It's a cycle of 'you're being irrational, believe them when they tell you that they care' to 'their actions tell me something else' to 'their reasons are real and valid' to 'am I a priority to anyone?' and back to the beginning again.
I'm fighting to stay balanced. I'm trying to get better at letting people 'in', and I know that part of that is opening myself to hurt and upset - what I didn't expect, was for it all to arrive in a bunch and knock me backward a long way. It hurts feeling that you have such little import in other people's lives, particularly when these are the people I've chosen to try and open up to.
So much of living with Depression is finding a balance. Some days it's a wide path that can take some wobbles, maybe even a fall or two - other days are an acid-drenched knife-edge over a pit of lava, and breathing hard is risky. I had both this week. This morning, my eyes are achy and scratchy from crying, so I'm not even trying today. I'm hiding in my room. Ignoring the world. I'm reading a book I've re-read regularly for over 30 years. I've escaped into the unreality of fiction. No real world drama, no expectations, no disappointments. Giving my battered heart the placebo balm of happy ever after.
Today, I'm not playing the game. I'm not putting energy into anything. I'm still in my pjs, I've eaten cereal and microwave popcorn.
Tomorrow I'll pick up the dice again, and hope to get a ladder and not a snake. Maybe.
Derri.
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