In the last week, I've had another birthday. Hooray me, I made it to another one!
On top of a geeky key-ring, a new tea-cup, and yummy cake with some of my kin - I got to have baby cuddles with the newest member of my extended family. All wonderful things. There is absolutely nothing on the planet as comforting as baby cuddles, and I'm reminding myself of this frequently. I have to.
Recently I thought back on a conversation where I was trying to explain a bad week, and struggled to justify how I felt (to be clear, I wasn't being asked to justify it). Then I re-read some old posts; and realized I've fallen into a very not-helpful pattern. Depression doesn't need a reason. Feeling low is not a case of cause and effect. Similarly, good things happen, and don't automatically cause a sense of well being.
Being mindful of the positives in my life isn't something I do to make myself feel better - but to notice that the good things exist, to remind myself that when the bleak nothingness of existence is overwhelming, and it's all too hard to deal with - it's not a fair representation of my life, and to keep going, tomorrow will be better.
Now I'm wondering if the guilt I feel is something everyone with Depression feels? Guilt? You ask... Yes. Guilt. Because I DO have people who go out of their way to let me know they care. I DO have people who made a point of making sure I left the house on my birthday. I DO have people who gifted me thoughtful things - and I still feel like a complete waste of space. I feel guilty because the love, thought, and effort, are being given, and I'm not able to properly soak it in, I feel like their energy is wasted on me.
The mindfulness tells me that the people around me understand - the Depression tells me that I don't deserve it. Then, because Depression alone isn't enough, the ingrained thought processes tell me it's selfish and arrogant of me to try and tell myself I do deserve it. All I can do is hope they know I appreciate what they do for me
*sigh
My birthday flowers are still blooming.
Derri.
On top of a geeky key-ring, a new tea-cup, and yummy cake with some of my kin - I got to have baby cuddles with the newest member of my extended family. All wonderful things. There is absolutely nothing on the planet as comforting as baby cuddles, and I'm reminding myself of this frequently. I have to.
Recently I thought back on a conversation where I was trying to explain a bad week, and struggled to justify how I felt (to be clear, I wasn't being asked to justify it). Then I re-read some old posts; and realized I've fallen into a very not-helpful pattern. Depression doesn't need a reason. Feeling low is not a case of cause and effect. Similarly, good things happen, and don't automatically cause a sense of well being.
Being mindful of the positives in my life isn't something I do to make myself feel better - but to notice that the good things exist, to remind myself that when the bleak nothingness of existence is overwhelming, and it's all too hard to deal with - it's not a fair representation of my life, and to keep going, tomorrow will be better.
Now I'm wondering if the guilt I feel is something everyone with Depression feels? Guilt? You ask... Yes. Guilt. Because I DO have people who go out of their way to let me know they care. I DO have people who made a point of making sure I left the house on my birthday. I DO have people who gifted me thoughtful things - and I still feel like a complete waste of space. I feel guilty because the love, thought, and effort, are being given, and I'm not able to properly soak it in, I feel like their energy is wasted on me.
The mindfulness tells me that the people around me understand - the Depression tells me that I don't deserve it. Then, because Depression alone isn't enough, the ingrained thought processes tell me it's selfish and arrogant of me to try and tell myself I do deserve it. All I can do is hope they know I appreciate what they do for me
*sigh
My birthday flowers are still blooming.
Derri.
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