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A Bad Day

Today has been a brain BSOD day.

The blue screen of death.  In my brain.  Today, nothing productive has happened.







These are the days the suicidal thoughts are strongest, and hardest to counter.  I knew today was going to be a blue screen day, when my first coherent thoughts were deciding which section of train tracks to kill myself on. if I do it -there- the tracks can be left mostly operational for travelers   Along with composing the apology letter to the train driver.  please let the train driver know how sorry I am to make them a part of my death. 

I've found it takes less energy to let these days wash over me like a tide, then when it recedes, hope it hasn't dragged me too far out.  I haven't had back-to-back bad days in several weeks now.

It doesn't matter what the alert side of my brain wants to do.  The part that has hijacked my body, and poisoned my mind, says "no", and the battle begins.   I need to think enough to fight the Nothing; the voice that shouts about the worthless, the pointless, the useless; but NOT so much as to let the suicidal thoughts take over.  They're always there, but on bad days?   They emerge like pubescent pimples - with disturbing frequency.   Nothing will get rid of them, I just have to ride it out.

Be alert?








I'm just going to lie here and distract myself from thinking about the logistics of committing suicide.  razor blades are easy to get hold of, if you do it when dressed, and in the garden, there's no mess for anyone to clean up, and no stigma attached to any of the rooms in the house

How about getting out of bed?








Why?  I can't achieve anything. you bring nothing special to anything.  Nothing I do is important. if you died it would make life easier for so many people.  People don't need me for anything.  so few people would even notice you were gone. No-one wants to talk to me anyway.  I have no money to go anywhere or do anything.  you've always been a drain, it's why no-one wants you. If I joined people, I'd just be a burden on them.  I'll bring everyone down. they'd get over my death pretty easily.

Later:

Any chance of getting dressed?








I'm not going anywhere, no-one wants to deal with a loser it doesn't matter that I'm not dressed. I don't care what I look like If I get dressed I'm a step closer to getting in my car and deliberately crashing it. if you crash into that bridge, emergency services can clear me out of the way pretty quickly, and I won't interrupt traffic. Better not.

Get showered?








Why? if I'm clean and dressed, it just gets more obvious that I have nowhere to go, no-one wants to spend time with me anyway Who am I trying to impress?  even if I did talk to some one, I have nothing interesting to talk to about anyway, my life is meaningless I don't smell.  I don't have dirt on me.  What for?   I have nowhere to be.  Besides, staying home is safer. I wonder if I a new doctor would prescribe me sleeping tablets? it didn't take long to get enough to try last time.

...

These are the days I let myself sleep.  If sleep isn't working.  I re-watch dvds.  It's the easiest way to shush the internal monologue.  I've discovered that doing nothing; means I make it through the day without doing myself damage.

Firefly again?  Sounds good.

I'm getting better at ignoring the voices.  I got up 'properly' late-afternoon.  I have clothes on (pjs count right?).  I'm going to go and speak to a real person in a minute.

Tomorrow will be better.

D
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