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Fixer Upper

It's been a chaotic few days.  Next week I start a new job.  There's less responsibility (than my last job), and I can stay close to my support.  I'm nervous, but I think I can do it.

I have to trust I can stay aware of my triggers, that I don't fall into the abyss again.  Or at least; not so deep I can't get out with a little help.   Of course, I'm still learning how to let people help me; I think I'm getting better at it.

I've been sleeping better for the last few weeks.  Asleep by 1am at the latest, and awake before 8 for the most part.  I'm getting better at getting OUT of bed too  (Hooray me!).  Also on the plus side, the bad days are further and further apart.  They still knock the wind out of me, and land me on my arse; though thanks to my family and friends, I recover much faster.

I'm worried that the down days will come back. I'm nervous I'll let people down.  I'm panicking I've bitten off more than I can chew; BUT.  I'm glad I'm moving forward.  I'm proud I'll be able to step up and contribute to my family again.  Ultimately, I'm shit scared I'm going to fall on my metaphorical face and end up back at square one.  Maybe I'll feel like this forever now.  Hyper aware of how close the 'edge' really is.  Conscious of how close to the abyss I live now.  No matter how many warning systems, fences, or alarms I put in place; I could still fall in.

Huh.  Makes it sound like real estate.



Standard '70s family home.  Generous size.  In original condition, no major repairs needed.  Plumbing sound.  Foundations will need replacing.  Sited close to cliff edge - specialist appraisal advised.  Ambulance parks at the bottom.

Derri.

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