My Mother's family throw a big family reunion every few years. It's the only time my sisters and I have the chance to spend real time (not stilted messages due to time zones) with them. So we save, and we travel, and we have a blast.
I paid for my flights almost a year ago, not believing I'd ever use them. I've been out of work since June, which made my 'oh my god I'm actually going to go' budget impossibly tight, but my sister was holding my metaphorical hand, and I was looking forward to going.
The reunion was wonderful. Family from all over the world came together for laughter, stories, and games.
I wanted so badly to be there. To spend time with the awesome people I'm lucky enough to be related to. To take part in the good-natured teasing. To be part of a games team. To eat, drink, and be merry...
I had to hold myself together and not let the end of that sentence rule me. Hooray for me though. I did it. I held on. I joined in. I laughed. I even sang. It was awesome.
The holiday wasn't over yet though. My tickets were for a fortnight, and pretending everything's, not so bad/is getting better, doesn't work for long. My energy ran out quickly. I could feel myself withdrawing. I started feeling as though there was (is) a thick fog between me and reality. But I had more people to see, and more things to do. So I tried my damndest to push through it. To some degree I succeeded. I was able to engage in interesting conversations, I enjoyed nights out in the city.
The fog around me was getting thicker though, and I started to feel like I was a badly performing actor playing the part of Me. By the time I began my journey home, I was holding on with all I've got, to the fraying ends of best intentions, and to too thin lengths of wishful thinking. The backlash is coming. That wall of darkness in a horror movie; I can sense it getting closer; and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm home now. Hiding. Hiding from the world. Hiding from people. Hiding from engaging. Because it's coming. The Nothing. It sucks up all the fun and laughter, and leaves nothing but self-doubt and emptiness behind.
I know to brace myself for it. I have more weapons to fight it with. I know it will be difficult. I know people are on my side, and want me to get through it. I know there is a chance I won't win, but that my odds are getting better. I know so many things that tell me I'll succeed. But whatever it is inside me; that isn't logic, my 'heart', my 'soul'; whatever that is... it sees what's coming and it's scared.
D
I paid for my flights almost a year ago, not believing I'd ever use them. I've been out of work since June, which made my 'oh my god I'm actually going to go' budget impossibly tight, but my sister was holding my metaphorical hand, and I was looking forward to going.
The reunion was wonderful. Family from all over the world came together for laughter, stories, and games.
I wanted so badly to be there. To spend time with the awesome people I'm lucky enough to be related to. To take part in the good-natured teasing. To be part of a games team. To eat, drink, and be merry...
I had to hold myself together and not let the end of that sentence rule me. Hooray for me though. I did it. I held on. I joined in. I laughed. I even sang. It was awesome.
The holiday wasn't over yet though. My tickets were for a fortnight, and pretending everything's, not so bad/is getting better, doesn't work for long. My energy ran out quickly. I could feel myself withdrawing. I started feeling as though there was (is) a thick fog between me and reality. But I had more people to see, and more things to do. So I tried my damndest to push through it. To some degree I succeeded. I was able to engage in interesting conversations, I enjoyed nights out in the city.
The fog around me was getting thicker though, and I started to feel like I was a badly performing actor playing the part of Me. By the time I began my journey home, I was holding on with all I've got, to the fraying ends of best intentions, and to too thin lengths of wishful thinking. The backlash is coming. That wall of darkness in a horror movie; I can sense it getting closer; and there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm home now. Hiding. Hiding from the world. Hiding from people. Hiding from engaging. Because it's coming. The Nothing. It sucks up all the fun and laughter, and leaves nothing but self-doubt and emptiness behind.
I know to brace myself for it. I have more weapons to fight it with. I know it will be difficult. I know people are on my side, and want me to get through it. I know there is a chance I won't win, but that my odds are getting better. I know so many things that tell me I'll succeed. But whatever it is inside me; that isn't logic, my 'heart', my 'soul'; whatever that is... it sees what's coming and it's scared.
D
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