This weekend I'm feeling pretty good. I start my new job next week. My brother-in-law just had a birthday, and an impromptu karaoke party broke out at home.
So I thought I'd take the time to go through some writings I did in the weeks after almost killing myself. It's not as upsetting as I thought it would be (and this is important), I was glossing over so many things. Not just to the people around me, but to myself.
Even though I woke up in hospital. Even though I'd deliberately tried to end things. Even though I believed there was no further point to my existence. IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL TO ME.
To be fair, I don't look back with anywhere near the same level of upset that my family and friends show, because I can see how completely logical it seemed at the time.
To some extent, the logic still holds true. My children still want nothing to do with me (it all happened around Mothers Day). I still think that I wasted 20 years of my life in a relationship that ONLY gave me my children. I still believe that my career path/skill set is a waste of time. I still think that I have nothing particularly unique to offer the world. I still believe that most of the accepted 'modern' mindset is a worthless attempt to achieve meaning via financial constructs that are imaginary.
What I HAVE learned, is that my relationships; with friends, with family, with colleagues; ARE real, and I'm still learning to acknowledge that as part of those relationships, I have value, simply by being me. That I'm part of something.
Learning to value myself. That's the crux of it. I think I can do it.
Derri.
So I thought I'd take the time to go through some writings I did in the weeks after almost killing myself. It's not as upsetting as I thought it would be (and this is important), I was glossing over so many things. Not just to the people around me, but to myself.
Even though I woke up in hospital. Even though I'd deliberately tried to end things. Even though I believed there was no further point to my existence. IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL TO ME.
To be fair, I don't look back with anywhere near the same level of upset that my family and friends show, because I can see how completely logical it seemed at the time.
To some extent, the logic still holds true. My children still want nothing to do with me (it all happened around Mothers Day). I still think that I wasted 20 years of my life in a relationship that ONLY gave me my children. I still believe that my career path/skill set is a waste of time. I still think that I have nothing particularly unique to offer the world. I still believe that most of the accepted 'modern' mindset is a worthless attempt to achieve meaning via financial constructs that are imaginary.
What I HAVE learned, is that my relationships; with friends, with family, with colleagues; ARE real, and I'm still learning to acknowledge that as part of those relationships, I have value, simply by being me. That I'm part of something.
Learning to value myself. That's the crux of it. I think I can do it.
Derri.
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