Way back in June I posted this to my FB page:
"Most people know I’ve been struggling. Most people don’t realize I tried to kill myself last month. I managed to get help in time. Emergency services are amazing. Thing is; there’s no road map back to ‘normal’. My family, friends, boss, and co-workers saw me struggling, and tried to help, but I walked into the suicidal minefield anyway, and It blew up in my face, as everyone knew was possible.
I survived.
I’m emotionally battered, bruised, and scarred. Now I have to navigate a path out of the minefield. It’s hard. Previous survivors have left tools and hints; but everyone’s exit from the minefield is different. Some of the tools have hidden triggers in them, and some of the hints head toward the worst patches - there is no clearly marked path. I can see the same people who tried to help before, on the edges of the field, cheering me on, offering extended hands; I can’t reach them yet. I have to find my way through a maze of triggers and minor explosions. Some days I feel like I go backwards as often as forwards, always looking for clear patches. Talking to people still in the field with me helps, but not too often, or more mines appear. I have a lifeline (thank you Crisis Team), it’s frayed, and can only take so much tugging - but when I get into real trouble, it can pull me out of immediate danger. For the most part, I have to do this for myself. I have to find the clues in my own head for the route out. Thank you to those of you cheering me on. Thank you to those who are trying to get more help to me. Thank you to my fellow strugglers. We can do this. It’s just really hard." I think I'm at the edge of the minefield. In some kind of buffer zone. Mostly clear of danger, with just the possibility of a missed mine. I feel like the support of family and friends is genuinely helping, not just cheer-leading, and my progress is getting faster. I can't take it for granted. This weekend, I forgot to take my medication (I didn't hear the alarm to remind me), and, well, it led to a bad night. One of self doubt, spiraling negativity, and revisiting 'how-to' plans. Not good. Now that I have family keeping an eye on me though, those feelings didn't get the chance to tie me in knots. I face today knowing I'm down, but aware that things are getting better. That I have chosen to live. That I can see a path to the minefield's exit. I'm going to get out. Derri
I’m emotionally battered, bruised, and scarred. Now I have to navigate a path out of the minefield. It’s hard. Previous survivors have left tools and hints; but everyone’s exit from the minefield is different. Some of the tools have hidden triggers in them, and some of the hints head toward the worst patches - there is no clearly marked path. I can see the same people who tried to help before, on the edges of the field, cheering me on, offering extended hands; I can’t reach them yet. I have to find my way through a maze of triggers and minor explosions. Some days I feel like I go backwards as often as forwards, always looking for clear patches. Talking to people still in the field with me helps, but not too often, or more mines appear. I have a lifeline (thank you Crisis Team), it’s frayed, and can only take so much tugging - but when I get into real trouble, it can pull me out of immediate danger. For the most part, I have to do this for myself. I have to find the clues in my own head for the route out. Thank you to those of you cheering me on. Thank you to those who are trying to get more help to me. Thank you to my fellow strugglers. We can do this. It’s just really hard." I think I'm at the edge of the minefield. In some kind of buffer zone. Mostly clear of danger, with just the possibility of a missed mine. I feel like the support of family and friends is genuinely helping, not just cheer-leading, and my progress is getting faster. I can't take it for granted. This weekend, I forgot to take my medication (I didn't hear the alarm to remind me), and, well, it led to a bad night. One of self doubt, spiraling negativity, and revisiting 'how-to' plans. Not good. Now that I have family keeping an eye on me though, those feelings didn't get the chance to tie me in knots. I face today knowing I'm down, but aware that things are getting better. That I have chosen to live. That I can see a path to the minefield's exit. I'm going to get out. Derri
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