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Falling down.

I started a new job this week.  I really like it.  I've been there 2 days.  I've met loads of people, and enjoyed interacting with them. 

Wednesday morning, my brain said "no".  I've fallen into a crack, and need to take a minute to get back up.

My stomach had been gurgling all night, and my head was full of spikes.  On top of the usual new-job nerves, and the new-people brain pressure, my body had decided to get in on the act too.

I've stayed home today.  I've spent a lot of time in the bathroom while my body stressed out.  I've had a sleep.  I will look after myself today, and GO TO WORK TOMORROW, even though the thought of it right now is making me queasy. 

Instead of falling so badly I've rolled all the way to the bottom of Mt Everest; I've just stopped moving forward.  I can get back up, and not lose any ground I've made.  I'm taking a day to brace myself, brush myself off, and start climbing again tomorrow.

The Depression is in my head, holding cozy blankets of numbness, whispering sweet nothings of quiet solitude, promising peace.  Like any victim of Depression, I know it's lying to me.  But the offers are oh so sweet. 


Moving forward is HARD.  It's exhausting on a level I struggle to describe.  An example: every morning I have to work around my lifetime aversion to getting up early, and I have to mentally battle the Depression too.  I lay in bed, warm and comfortable.  Instead of hitting the snooze button with hope of a few more minutes sleep, the Depression makes me want to burrow deeper into my cocoon, ignore the alarm completely, and pretend today isn't even happening.  I'm much better at getting up in the mornings, but I have to fight the battle every day.

The last two days have been fun, challenging, and stimulating.  These are good things.  The catch 22 is that, the more I have in my life, the easier Depression (going back to gaming references) earns XP points and levels up.  It has more to work with.  Fun?  More ways to convince me I'm a weirdo that no-one really likes, they're just pretending.  Challenging?  See, I'm not clever at all, I'm really stupid, with an over-inflated sense of my own ability.  Stimulating?  My brain has less left to battle the Depression with.

It's HARD.

I broke up with Depression.  It's trying to win me back with false promises.  It's stalking me and making life difficult.  It's bringing up the past to undermine me.  Carrying on like we're still together.  It's being the menacing ex-boyfriend that just won't take no for an answer, and might one day try to kill me for trying to leave.


Today I'm saying NO again.  I don't want to go back to Depression.  I escaped the mental abuse.  I learned some tricks to keep it at bay.  Even when it manages to get close again - I can STILL SAY NO.

I won't give up.  I won't.  I've made progress.  I'm going to continue to make progress.

The cozy blanket of numbness is hard to turn away from.

Derri.
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