Not Today.

Not feeling it this week.  The positive 'self-talk', the silver linings, or the conscious realignment.  It's fucking hard work, constantly correcting the way I think.  Every single fucking thing I do, takes a ridiculous amount of effort. 

I don't feel like telling myself well done for doing my laundry (so what?! everyone does laundry!), the fact it's been building up for weeks, and I ran out of clean t-shirts 4 days ago, doesn't change the fact that it's only bloody laundry.  Thanks to the industrial revolution, I don't have to do anything but take my things to a machine, and push some buttons.  Whoop-di-bloody-doo.  I don't want to celebrate doing it.

I haven't vacuumed since I moved in.  In October.  The shared hoover is downstairs, and this space is about 8 x 3 paces square.  It should take me all of a few minutes.  When I finally get around to it, I don't deserve praise. 

I haven't done my dishes in a while either.  They're in the crate to take to the kitchen, which is a few meters away.

I feel lazy.  I feel useless.  I feel ashamed.  I feel a disgrace.  I feel a failure.  I feel guilty.  Telling myself the opposite - feels like a lie.

I know, I know, I should give myself kudos for achieving things.  That positive reinforcement is essential. 

Days like today, when my existence is a waste of oxygen, I say to death:

Derri.