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I just want to sleep.

It's 3:14am.  I haven't slept at all.  I'm super tired, and my brain just won't SHUT UP.

I start my new job the day after tomorrow (make that - tomorrow), and the doubts are ganging up on me.  It's a never ending game of whack-a-mole, every time I manage to make one self-doubt go away, at least one more pops up.

I'm thankful I've got some tools now, tools that help whack each mole as it appears.  This is the sort of night that used to be an indicator of a 'very bad day' tomorrow.  Not that this tomorrow is going to be particularly easy - not on sod all sleep - I'm just far less likely to be zombie-shuffling around thinking I'm a waste of space and oxygen.

I give a good 'pep-talk'.  To other people.  I can tell them their self-perception is skewed.  I can tell them they're talented.  I can tell them they are wonderful people.

I can't seem to figure out how to convince myself of these things.  Each time I try, there's a part of me steadfast in it's belief that if I think those things are true, I'm deluding myself.  That I'd be the worst type of arrogant, narcissistic, everyone rolls their eyes about me, up-myself idiot around.   A David Brent (The Office) if you will.

I have phenomenal support people around me.  People who I know have their own self-doubts, who, in my mind; are generous, kind, honest, talented, joyful, intelligent, funny, wonderful people.  People who on some level, I'm sure, have the same kind of positive thoughts about who I am to them.

It's not that I don't believe them.  It's that I can't.  I can see that they're genuine when they tell me these things.  I can see that it hurts them when I brush off the compliment, or give a wry smile in return.  I simply don't understand what it is they see.

So I go through the motions.  Until I figure out how to turn the damn thing off.  I'm stuck practicing getting better at whacking the moles down.  There's the 'selfish' mole.  The 'burden' mole.  The 'condescending' mole.  The 'ugly' mole.  The 'cruel' mole.  The 'lazy' mole.  The 'unworthy' mole.  The 'stupid' mole.  The 'emotionally stunted' mole.  The 'unfeeling' mole.  There are so many damn moles, not all of them even have names.

Tonight's moles are all various types of 'incapable' moles.  Telling me I'm not good enough to do the job I'm about to start.  Telling me I'm going to ruin it for the existing team of people.  Telling me I just can't do it.

I want the voices to shut the hell up.  I KNOW I can do this job.  I KNOW I will succeed in this role.  What I can't do is SLEEP!!!

Rant over.  Time to pick up the mallet again, and whack some more moles.

Derri.
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