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What if?

I haven't figured out yet, when to relax and enjoy the progress.  I'm never sure if it will last.  Always waiting for the 'drop' after a good day. 

I've had a few good days in a row, and made what feels like meaningful strides.  Today is... low.  NOT 'bad'.  Just, low.  I'm in what I call my 'recharge' mode, hiding in my room.  How I know I'm making progress; is that I have some music on and my curtains are open, letting the early spring light into the room.  My bed is made.  My clothes aren't in their usual descending piles of wearability; but where they should be.  My door is open, letting the family know that while I'm not up to socializing, I am up to visitors ☺.

Progress.

My dilemma is - when do I trust it will last?  When will I be able to make plans for several days in a row?  When will I be able to make real plans in advance?

What if I have a bad day away from home?   What if I have nowhere to retreat to?  What if I make plans and let people down by not showing up?  What if I have a bad day once I'm fully integrated at my new job, and my not being there adds work to other people?  What if I become known as unreliable?  What if the spiral of doom starts again? 

WHAT IF?


My biggest 'what if' is What if I can never assume I'll be ok tomorrow/next week/next month, ever again?

 Today I'm going to do some coloring in.  Listen to old songs I know the words to.  Maybe read a book.  Rest. 

I'll put the 'what if's aside for today.  They'll keep.

Derri
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