The twilight zone week. The week between Christmas and New Year when nothing is normal. Not sure what day it is. If the shops are open. If it's time to take the decorations down yet. Comfort food available all day. No structure. No routine. Nothing to anchor me to reality.
It's a week of reflection. A week of looking back and looking forward. A week of acceptance and promise. It's also a week of white knuckled grit, because the Depression is here.
What's the point? Everyone else is looking ahead, making resolutions to improve things, making plans to move forward. All I'm capable of doing at the moment, is hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow. Get through each day.
We had a NYE party here at the house last night; my sister and brother in law had their friends over, the music was amazing, the mood was positive, and all the people were awesome. I tried hard to get with the mood of the evening, and managed to make it past midnight, yay me. I've been in bed pretty much ever since though.
The house is still full of wonderful people (it's early evening now), laughing, talking, singing, enjoying each others company. I got up and made a cup of tea, and came back to bed. It's just too much. Too many happy people. Too much optimism. I'd love to join in; but I'm not feeling it.
I don't have joy to share. I don't have positive energy. I used it all up last night. Today is glum because the void is calling. It's exhausting being awake, alert, and alive. It would be so much easier to be nothing. To make an end to the daily struggle of finding reasons to breathe. I'm empty. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I feel separate to everything. I don't feel I have anything to contribute.
None of this is a cry for help, or some kind of fishing for affirmation. It's how Depression feels. Intellectually, I understand I have a place within my family and friends. I acknowledge I am loved and people care. I know I would be missed. Depression means that the knowledge doesn't feel real. I KNOW that people care, but I'm unable to accept it. Depression, actual Depression, isn't just being down. It's a physical reduction of brain ability to receive positive emotional hormones. My brain is genuinely broken. I CAN'T feel the good stuff. My brain is physically handicapped. It doesn't recognize all the good stuff. Cruelly, the negative, the chemicals that contribute to sadness, isolation, tiredness; those I can receive just fine. Good and bad don't have a 50/50 chance of impacting my mind. The broken receptors mean it feels more like a 90/10 chance. Anti-depressants improve it to maybe 80/20. So not fair.
To wrap up my 2017, I'm going to say this. It's only through the support and caring of family and friends I'm still here. I know they love me. It's knowing that they do, that sees me through the days I can't feel it.
Stay safe everyone. Hang in there. Some days, the light shines brightly.
Derri x
It's a week of reflection. A week of looking back and looking forward. A week of acceptance and promise. It's also a week of white knuckled grit, because the Depression is here.
What's the point? Everyone else is looking ahead, making resolutions to improve things, making plans to move forward. All I'm capable of doing at the moment, is hoping I can get out of bed tomorrow. Get through each day.
We had a NYE party here at the house last night; my sister and brother in law had their friends over, the music was amazing, the mood was positive, and all the people were awesome. I tried hard to get with the mood of the evening, and managed to make it past midnight, yay me. I've been in bed pretty much ever since though.
The house is still full of wonderful people (it's early evening now), laughing, talking, singing, enjoying each others company. I got up and made a cup of tea, and came back to bed. It's just too much. Too many happy people. Too much optimism. I'd love to join in; but I'm not feeling it.
I don't have joy to share. I don't have positive energy. I used it all up last night. Today is glum because the void is calling. It's exhausting being awake, alert, and alive. It would be so much easier to be nothing. To make an end to the daily struggle of finding reasons to breathe. I'm empty. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I feel separate to everything. I don't feel I have anything to contribute.
None of this is a cry for help, or some kind of fishing for affirmation. It's how Depression feels. Intellectually, I understand I have a place within my family and friends. I acknowledge I am loved and people care. I know I would be missed. Depression means that the knowledge doesn't feel real. I KNOW that people care, but I'm unable to accept it. Depression, actual Depression, isn't just being down. It's a physical reduction of brain ability to receive positive emotional hormones. My brain is genuinely broken. I CAN'T feel the good stuff. My brain is physically handicapped. It doesn't recognize all the good stuff. Cruelly, the negative, the chemicals that contribute to sadness, isolation, tiredness; those I can receive just fine. Good and bad don't have a 50/50 chance of impacting my mind. The broken receptors mean it feels more like a 90/10 chance. Anti-depressants improve it to maybe 80/20. So not fair.
To wrap up my 2017, I'm going to say this. It's only through the support and caring of family and friends I'm still here. I know they love me. It's knowing that they do, that sees me through the days I can't feel it.
Stay safe everyone. Hang in there. Some days, the light shines brightly.
Derri x
Comments
Post a Comment