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Different words, same meaning.

Bonus Blog for the week:

I've had to use all my emergency contacts today.  I'm as low as I've ever been, and I knew I needed professional help to help me stay away from the edge.


So much of their advice is interchangeable, and I wonder if these well meaning people, well educated people, are listening to what I tell them.  Yes, I've been struggling for a long time.  Yes, a major traumatic event triggered the more extreme Depression.  Yes, that was the beginning of feeling suicidal.  Here's the thing: MY TRAUMATIC EVENT IS ONGOING.  Losing access to my children, being denied knowledge of their well-being, this isn't going to end any day soon.  There is no grieving; then moving on, and finding new meaning in life.  This grief is fresh, every day.  The underlying Depression is there, every day.  Every day, the Depression gathers my grief, and hurls it against me.  Every day is a new deeply Depressed 'event'.  All of this means that the 'tools' and 'coping mechanisms' that are suggested to me, can't really help.  So many of them require me to be 'mindful', to practice 'gratitude', which are suggested as ways to move forward, move on.

I can't move forward, or on.  My reality is of loss.  Every day I have to accept the reality that my children aren't part of my life.  Every day is a fresh stab to the heart. 


It was oddly refreshing to end up talking to a new counselor.  My usual contact was away.  After explaining my history, to flesh out my case notes, the new counselor said "Well.  Fuck." a little while later she asked me if being 'mindful', and feeling 'gratitude' was helping at all.  When I could honestly say that no, I actually think it's making things worse, she suggested a new tool.  Selfishness.

At the moment, my entire being is about getting to a head-space that allows me to move forward and do well so that when I reconcile with my children, I am a healthier person.  After talking today, the conclusion is; that dwelling on that reasoning, is only EVER going to make things harder, it's always going to highlight the very things Depression feeds on.  So, instead, I'm going to try being selfish.

Which is exactly what every other counselor, every other doctor, every family member, every friend, has been telling me.  Look after me.  Today, somebody put it into a sentence that made sense to me.

I'm going to go to work.  Not because it's the first step to a brighter future, but because work is something I'm good at.  My job is something I am appreciated for.  The people I work with like me. 

After that conversation, I was able to get out of bed.  I even left the house.  I bought juice.  I bought bread.  I bought butter.  I bought my favourite biscuits.  Not because I felt bad, and was going to wallow, but because I want to feel good, and treat myself.

I'm exhausted.  There was a lot of emotion today. 

I think I've turned a corner.  I certainly hope so.

Derri

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