The depths have been pulling me this week. Hanging on is hard.
Everything is looking really futile at the moment. The Depression has 'what's the point?' on repeat in my head. WHAT IS THE POINT? Apparently, it's a common thread between a lot of Depression sufferers, and even more frequent for people who have to fight suicidal tendencies. I've been watching TED talks, and listening to podcasts, and it seems to me, that to function as a 'normal' person, there has to be a willful ignorance of philosophical thought.
Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Where do I fit? When will I make an impact? If I think on these things, I ultimately end up with: I have no purpose. My life is meaningless. Nothing I do matters. To live normally, I need to find a way to ignore these things, and make my days mean something. Why? The people around me don't want me to die, I know that. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow (highly unlikely - public transport around here is a joke) though? Their lives would continue, with barely a blip in their day-to-day existence. I'm not in the middle of earth-shaking study, nor am I working on ground-breaking research.
All of this means that I'm struggling this week. I feel disconnected. I'm too aware of the galactic insignificance that is humanity, let alone individuals within it. What does it matter if I don't get out of bed? Or wash? Or tidy my space? Or go to work? Or keep going?
The other side of the situation is that staying in bed - keeps me safe. The suicidal thoughts are LOUD during these times. It's such a small step from 'I'm not important' to 'why keep going?'. Between a gap in the weather for laundry, and changing the bedding on my bed (a spilled cup of tea), I was up and about several times. I was ready to end things three times today, for no more reason that it all seemed so pointless. Each time I had to convince myself to sit down and play another game of solitaire.
If through some miracle, I woke up tomorrow with my brain functioning normally; it would still all be meaningless, I'd just be able to ignore that. I can't ignore it at the moment, I'm lying in bed, with the abyss staring back.
Derri.
Everything is looking really futile at the moment. The Depression has 'what's the point?' on repeat in my head. WHAT IS THE POINT? Apparently, it's a common thread between a lot of Depression sufferers, and even more frequent for people who have to fight suicidal tendencies. I've been watching TED talks, and listening to podcasts, and it seems to me, that to function as a 'normal' person, there has to be a willful ignorance of philosophical thought.
Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Where do I fit? When will I make an impact? If I think on these things, I ultimately end up with: I have no purpose. My life is meaningless. Nothing I do matters. To live normally, I need to find a way to ignore these things, and make my days mean something. Why? The people around me don't want me to die, I know that. If I got hit by a bus tomorrow (highly unlikely - public transport around here is a joke) though? Their lives would continue, with barely a blip in their day-to-day existence. I'm not in the middle of earth-shaking study, nor am I working on ground-breaking research.
All of this means that I'm struggling this week. I feel disconnected. I'm too aware of the galactic insignificance that is humanity, let alone individuals within it. What does it matter if I don't get out of bed? Or wash? Or tidy my space? Or go to work? Or keep going?
The other side of the situation is that staying in bed - keeps me safe. The suicidal thoughts are LOUD during these times. It's such a small step from 'I'm not important' to 'why keep going?'. Between a gap in the weather for laundry, and changing the bedding on my bed (a spilled cup of tea), I was up and about several times. I was ready to end things three times today, for no more reason that it all seemed so pointless. Each time I had to convince myself to sit down and play another game of solitaire.
If through some miracle, I woke up tomorrow with my brain functioning normally; it would still all be meaningless, I'd just be able to ignore that. I can't ignore it at the moment, I'm lying in bed, with the abyss staring back.
Derri.
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