Always be yourself, unless you can be...

Riiiight. Because Batman's got his shit together.

After a couple of sessions with this psychologist I'm trying to define 'myself', a person separate from the events of my life.

It's really tricky! We are, all of us, the sum of our parts. So the process is more about defining the things that negatively influenced me, recognizing, then trying to undo, all the damage. Which version of me is the truest? The scared child? The insecure girl? The isolated teen? The assaulted young woman? The exhausted mother? The depressed mid-life-crisis woman? None of them are 'me', they're not who I am, or who I ever was.

So I know who I'm not. I have no idea who I am. Who do I 'be'? How do I define myself, and how do I become the best that person can be, when I'm stuck in a body that can't get out of bed? Nothing like the profound questions when you're in existential confusion.

I'm stuck with the questions I've been asking myself for about a year now, who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why should I bother? I have some new avenues to investigate, maybe there are answers in my history, I've just missed them in the big picture. What if there were things I wanted to do, or be, or become?

Just like everyone else alive, my character has been shaped and defined by circumstances from birth. If we were all trees, it would mean some individuals get more ideal conditions and develop to their full potential, while others; don't. I had few opportunities to flourish, and those were determined by situations, not will.

Bruce Wayne has billions of dollars. He can subliminate his fear and insecurity into becoming the hero he needs, literally. I don't even know what kind of hero I need, let alone figure out how to become her, on a tight budget.

I'm going to work on figuring out who I need my hero to be. She won't need a costume, a mask, or a catchphrase, and she already has a name. Me.

Derri.

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