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Shut up Annie

Why?

No, really.  Why?

I had an appointment with a different psychologist last week, and I left feeling exhausted, numb, and vulnerable.  Starting from the beginning will do that to you.

I was asked to work on a mind-map.  So far, there's still nothing on it.  I'm recovering from having to go over all the things that made me 'Me'.  It's one thing to know what my history is, it's quite another to try and explain it to someone new.  It's confronting, upsetting, and well, depressing.

Going over everything from the beginning, has got me in a funk, because after all the stuff, all the struggle, all the crap I've survived, I have nothing to show for it.  The only joyful thing I had, was my children, and they're lost to me.  I thought a psychologist was supposed to help you move forward?  I feel like I've taken a massive step backward.  The stuff I had worked on finding ways to think around, are back in the forefront of my mind, and I'm not coping.

There's a lot of love and happiness around me, and I feel like Super-Grinch.  So super, I don't even have to work at it.  I feel like I'm generating a cloud of bleurgh and I can't find the off switch.  So I'm hiding.  Letting people get on with all their good stuff, while I figure out how to soak up the good vibes instead of sending out my bad ones.


I'm struggling.  When I let my mind do it's own thing, I'm trapped in the cycle of thought where I bring nothing unique to the world, the world will keep on turning without me... so I'm NOT letting my mind do it's own thing.  I'm watching documentaries, listening to books, and trying to hold on until a tomorrow that's not so bad.

I need to do a lot of work on how I think, and how to move forward; I need to find the strength to pick myself up and start again; I need to get out of bed.

I'm running out of Annie energy though.  How many more tomorrows do I have in me?


Derri
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Comments

  1. Unknown11 April 2018 at 10:59

    Is it not the case that you have to go back and build yourself up from your basic values and beliefs? Make allowances for the fact that certain self-definitional things are not currently available to you. Create a "new" more resilient you that can move forward without expecting (but sill hoping) that you will one day have access to your kids, meanwhile creating a life for yourself, with a new self-definitional focus.

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