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Being Chicken Little.

I've had my psychologist postpone appointments for two weeks running.  It's left me feeling vulnerable.  The mental scabs were ripped off in the initial appointments, and the following visits were supposed to give me assistance in how to deal with this shit in a healthier way.  Every conversation, every interaction, while I'm still raw; has the potential to do damage - and this morning, I had to deal with an appointment applying for welfare.  Not.  Ideal.

Being vulnerable is excruciating.  The ever present fear of rejection.  The fear of failure.  The risk of being hurt.  Without the cover of ingrained defensiveness, there's nothing to stop the sky falling down!


Today, chaos reigned.  I ended up playing family chauffeur, and spent more time than usual with my nephew, on top of dealing with an institution designed to make me feel lazy and useless.  I am shattered.

Depressed.  Dehumanized.  Exhausted.  Oh, and Mother's Day is this weekend.  Always a bad time for me.

Thanks to encouragement from friends and family, I had been in touch with a local community center, who supplied me with an advocate in dealing with the welfare department.  I honestly don't know how I'd have coped today without that help, it's made a significant difference.

Thanks to the advocate, I will be receiving financial support while under my doctors care.  I can contribute financially to the family who love me unconditionally while I struggle to say hi. 

Thanks to my family.  They help me through the bad days, by reminding me they're just bad days, and that tomorrow will be different.

Thanks to a family friend; who continues to loan me almost all of her belongings - I have a beautiful space to hide in on the bad days, when saying 'hi' is too hard.

Thanks to the friends who comment, message, encourage, support, and care, I'm learning to find something worthwhile in the mirror.

This mornings chaos is the first of many for me.  My sister is on crutches for several weeks, and can't drive.  I've been drafted into action - I can do this.


I have a lot to be grateful for.  This week, I don't have a voice reminding me I'm a burden on my family.  I don't have guilt for sleeping when I need to.  This week I have something useful to offer.  My time.  I can do the school run.  I can do the work pick-up.  I can prep dinner.  I can do groceries.  I can DO stuff.  Small stuff.  Stuff that takes the weight off my family for a change.  It feels good.

Thank you to everyone, every day, who prove to me that the sky WON'T fall down.  That rejection, isn't coming.  That being ill, isn't being a failure.  That hurting, heals faster when you're supported.


Derri.
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