I spent time WITH my family and friends this week. I ventured out of my safety nest, sat on the sofa with actual people, AND, I even left the house to spend time with others. To my astonishment, nothing awful happened! I might do it again. Not for a while though, I'm exhausted. It's hard hanging on to the 'now' of being with people. I kept having to remind myself to pay attention, to not drift off into nothingness.
Concentrating on conversations which aren't necessarily essential, but are REAL; and so, valuable - takes a lot of energy. Listening to a real person, engaging with them, responding, interacting, reacting, and speaking in turn, is considerably more difficult than say, watching a complicated documentary. A documentary I can pause, rewind, re-watch, and it never requires my input. It doesn't matter how many times it takes, I can watch the documentary over again until the information sticks. In the real world, people don't come with pause buttons, and I only get the one chance to be in 'this' moment with them.
On top of all of this interaction, I also did a minimum wage shift at a local manufacturer, so I could contribute something toward the costs at home. New people. New tasks. New routines. New rules. New everything. I enjoyed the complete lack of stress. Be there, do that, check this, put there, repeat. I didn't need to 'think' about anything more than doing that particular task properly. Admittedly, I came home, ate (my sister had dinner dished up as I walked in the door), showered, and went straight to bed. I slept for 16 solid hours, got up long enough to pee, make a cuppa, have a biscuit, and went back to sleep again. It took more than two days to 'recover'.
All in all, a lot of positives this week.
Now to talk about the hard part, trying not to let it squash me. Reality. The 'real world'. Big picture. I made 'progress' this week and I need to keep that in the front of my mind, not compare it to how much more needs to happen.
I want to be able to enjoy the week I just had. I did all the things! I got out of bed! I showered! I worked! I kept appointments! I interacted! I worked bloody hard. But the voice in my head is harrumphing and saying - it doesn't matter. At this rate you'll never get out of debt. You'll never amount to anything. You'll continue to work hard to have nothing for the rest of your life. You're exhausting yourself for nothing. You aren't even covering your costs, you're a parasite on your family, they'd be better off without you, they must be sick of putting up with your miserable arse.
Jeez. Typing that out was weird. I really don't like me much do I?
I'm trying. Trying to be aware of my inner voice. Trying to be aware of how I'm sabotaging myself. Trying to work past my inner bitch. Which all of us have to do right? The Depression simply says, but what if she's right?
This shit is hard.
Derri.
Focus on the small goals. Consistently reaching small goals mean provable progress and creates momentum. Thos big goals are just lots of small goals stacked menacingly one on top of the other. The big goals are scary, the small goals are not.
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