Mother's Day. I'ts a trigger for me. I didn't write about it last week, because the pain was indescribable. I've had a psychologist and a doctors appointment since then, which is always cathartic, and helps me to frame my thoughts clearly.
My Depression isn't because my children want nothing to do with me. The Depression was here long before they were even born. The Depression did flavour their entire lives, and I'm coming to understand that the Depression is likely the reason my relationships with them were never formed fully. None of which soothes the pain of a childless Mother's Day. I fully comprehend the pain of Mothers who lost their angel babies, Mothers whose children were lost as toddlers and Mothers who have lost their grown up children. There isn't a pain like being around when your babies aren't.
I empathize with Mothers who mourn their children. I'm also, in a weird way, envious of them. Mothers who grieve their children, come to accept their loss, and find ways to heal despite the gaping wound left; are courageous beyond words. I'm not one of them. My children are gone, but not gone. My children are absent, but not lost. My children continue to grow, learn, become, and they're doing it without me.
As a culture, we tell ourselves, 'there's always hope', and we say it in the belief it means good things are possible.
As an individual with an interest in where expressions come from, an interest in myths and legends, I can tell you; this isn't true. The phrase is brought to us from Greek myth. The legend of Pandora's Box. Within the box was all the evil within human scope. She was supposed to never open it. Of course, we all know she did, and she released hate, war, despair, misery, disease, pain, jealousy, spite etc. She quickly closed it again, but one evil remained. Hope.
Hope is included in the box of evils the Gods had contained. Not the box of blessings. The box of evils (although in the original Greek, they're jars).
Hope is what makes Mother's Day so difficult for me. The hope that one day. one day. I'll get the chance to rebuild a healthy relationship with my boys. I don't accept that the current situation will stay the same forever, but in hanging on to that hope (cursed affliction!), hanging on to the dream of 'one day'; makes every day without them painful. Mother's day, the day of specifically celebrating the love between Mother and Child; is excruciating.
All of which makes May a difficult time. The Depression is layered in grief, loss, guilt, and the ever present curse of hope. It's when the Depression looks most like how I thought it did. Crying. Obvious unhappiness. I've slept a lot this last week, and I've fought to keep myself able to do the school run. I'm still tired, I'm still sad, and I think I'll always grieve for my boys. But there's always hope right?
Derri.
My Depression isn't because my children want nothing to do with me. The Depression was here long before they were even born. The Depression did flavour their entire lives, and I'm coming to understand that the Depression is likely the reason my relationships with them were never formed fully. None of which soothes the pain of a childless Mother's Day. I fully comprehend the pain of Mothers who lost their angel babies, Mothers whose children were lost as toddlers and Mothers who have lost their grown up children. There isn't a pain like being around when your babies aren't.
As a culture, we tell ourselves, 'there's always hope', and we say it in the belief it means good things are possible.
As an individual with an interest in where expressions come from, an interest in myths and legends, I can tell you; this isn't true. The phrase is brought to us from Greek myth. The legend of Pandora's Box. Within the box was all the evil within human scope. She was supposed to never open it. Of course, we all know she did, and she released hate, war, despair, misery, disease, pain, jealousy, spite etc. She quickly closed it again, but one evil remained. Hope.
Hope is included in the box of evils the Gods had contained. Not the box of blessings. The box of evils (although in the original Greek, they're jars).
Hope is what makes Mother's Day so difficult for me. The hope that one day. one day. I'll get the chance to rebuild a healthy relationship with my boys. I don't accept that the current situation will stay the same forever, but in hanging on to that hope (cursed affliction!), hanging on to the dream of 'one day'; makes every day without them painful. Mother's day, the day of specifically celebrating the love between Mother and Child; is excruciating.
All of which makes May a difficult time. The Depression is layered in grief, loss, guilt, and the ever present curse of hope. It's when the Depression looks most like how I thought it did. Crying. Obvious unhappiness. I've slept a lot this last week, and I've fought to keep myself able to do the school run. I'm still tired, I'm still sad, and I think I'll always grieve for my boys. But there's always hope right?
Derri.
Comments
Post a Comment