Once upon a time, I read a story. This isn't unusual, I read lots of stories. In this story in particular, a mentor told the central character 'not to measure his wheat against another man's bushel' (always use the grain merchant's standard). The message was that, what one man thinks is right and fair isn't always what IS right and fair, nor is it the same as what YOU think is right and fair.
I bring this up because I constantly feel like I'm being unconscionably rude to my family and friends while I hide in my room all the time. I'm measuring myself against an unreal expectation. I'm fairly certain my family know how much I love them. I'm fairly certain they understand I hide because pulling myself together and being a real person is hard. I'm fairly certain they don't think I'm being deliberately rude. Fairly certain.
Every individual on the planet has a different idea about what is polite (always a good idea to check travel tips for this), what is acceptable, and where that tolerance ends. Most of these behaviours have become cultural norms. It's bad manners to chew with your mouth open, and it's polite to thank someone who held the door for you. Fairly standard societal lubrication. Manners.
I bring this up because I constantly feel like I'm being unconscionably rude to my family and friends while I hide in my room all the time. I'm measuring myself against an unreal expectation. I'm fairly certain my family know how much I love them. I'm fairly certain they understand I hide because pulling myself together and being a real person is hard. I'm fairly certain they don't think I'm being deliberately rude. Fairly certain.
I'm not positive though. Because I think I'm behaving in a way that can be interpreted as horribly rude. Anti-social. Snobbish even.
Somewhere in the murk of my past, an unrealistic bushel was put into my head as the behavioral standard, and I'm failing to measure up to it. My own head! Talk about self-destructive thought processes. I'm trying to be easier on myself. It's a classic case of being trained into believing that ALL of my energy should be spent making others happy, and that taking time and doing anything for myself is selfish.
I know it's a manufactured bushel. I know, because in my inner me, I believe that looking after number one, means I am then ABLE to look after everyone else. You can't, as the expression goes, pour from an empty cup.
Somewhere in the murk of my past, an unrealistic bushel was put into my head as the behavioral standard, and I'm failing to measure up to it. My own head! Talk about self-destructive thought processes. I'm trying to be easier on myself. It's a classic case of being trained into believing that ALL of my energy should be spent making others happy, and that taking time and doing anything for myself is selfish.
I know it's a manufactured bushel. I know, because in my inner me, I believe that looking after number one, means I am then ABLE to look after everyone else. You can't, as the expression goes, pour from an empty cup.
Changing my own thought processes is hard. Not just because it requires a constant check on what my motivation for decisions are, but because I have to follow each irrational thought thread, into the tangled knot of my emotional history. I'm getting better at it.
Derri
Derri
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