One of the most common indications of depression is feeling unable to 'hold a charge'. That there simply isn't enough energy to do anything. This is a significant problem for me. It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get, I run out of 'oomph' incredibly quickly.
I can't help but compare what I used to be able to do in a day, with what I can achieve now. The comparison isn't helpful, because it feeds the Depression with ammunition about how useless I am now. Whatever used to give me my 'get up and go', has 'got up and gone'; and I'm having to ensure I have enough energy for even basic hygiene, which has never been something I had to think of as a task before.
Fuel efficiency: a form of thermal efficiency, meaning the ratio from effort to result of a process that converts chemical potential energy contained in a carrier (fuel) into kinetic energy or work.
This lack of fuel efficiency is what keeps me in hiding so much. It takes energy I don't have, to engage properly with people, and it's horrible. I WANT to be sociable, to chat, laugh, sing, plan, support, and generally spend time with the people I love; but when I I try, I feel like an old fashioned match - such a small amount of fuel, it can only burn for a short time, it leaves a burned husk and the slightest pressure makes it crumble to pieces.
Thanks to the anti-depressant medication, I haven't felt suicidal in a couple of months. For them to work to their fullest though, I need to avoid alcohol, and I have done - for most of the year. Sadly, without a little alcohol, I haven't felt 'good' either. All of which makes me empathize with the people I know who suffer with bi-polar disorder. At some point, all of them have stopped taking their medication because they miss feeling things; just like I get tempted to buy booze, hoping for the relief from numbness. I've done pretty well this year. I've been able to remind myself that the lower feelings afterward aren't worth it.
But living in the numb area between suicidal and energetic is boring. Really boring. I can't handle new characters or plot-lines, which leaves me with re-reading, re-watching, re-listening to stuff. Sleeping. Gazing out the window watching the light change. Storm watching. Trying to steer my mind away from self-pity, while paying attention to how I'm feeling.
What IS the point where self-awareness becomes gratuitous? When will I be able to stop considering my own thought processes and reactions, and just be? Is that even possible for someone like me?
I have to find a way to refill.
Derri.
Fuel efficiency: a form of thermal efficiency, meaning the ratio from effort to result of a process that converts chemical potential energy contained in a carrier (fuel) into kinetic energy or work.
This lack of fuel efficiency is what keeps me in hiding so much. It takes energy I don't have, to engage properly with people, and it's horrible. I WANT to be sociable, to chat, laugh, sing, plan, support, and generally spend time with the people I love; but when I I try, I feel like an old fashioned match - such a small amount of fuel, it can only burn for a short time, it leaves a burned husk and the slightest pressure makes it crumble to pieces.
But living in the numb area between suicidal and energetic is boring. Really boring. I can't handle new characters or plot-lines, which leaves me with re-reading, re-watching, re-listening to stuff. Sleeping. Gazing out the window watching the light change. Storm watching. Trying to steer my mind away from self-pity, while paying attention to how I'm feeling.
What IS the point where self-awareness becomes gratuitous? When will I be able to stop considering my own thought processes and reactions, and just be? Is that even possible for someone like me?
I have to find a way to refill.
Derri.
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