Skip to main content

Low Fuel Efficiency

One of the most common indications of depression is feeling unable to 'hold a charge'.  That there simply isn't enough energy to do anything.  This is a significant problem for me.  It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get, I run out of 'oomph' incredibly quickly.


I can't help but compare what I used to be able to do in a day, with what I can achieve now.  The comparison isn't helpful, because it feeds the Depression with ammunition about how useless I am now.  Whatever used to give me my 'get up and go', has 'got up and gone'; and I'm having to ensure I have enough energy for even basic hygiene, which has never been something I had to think of as a task before.

Fuel efficiency: a form of thermal efficiency, meaning the ratio from effort to result of a process that converts chemical potential energy contained in a carrier (fuel) into kinetic energy or work.

This lack of fuel efficiency is what keeps me in hiding so much.  It takes energy I don't have, to engage properly with people, and it's horrible.  I WANT to be sociable, to chat, laugh, sing, plan, support, and generally spend time with the people I love; but when I I try, I feel like an old fashioned match - such a small amount of fuel, it can only burn for a short time, it leaves a burned husk and the slightest pressure makes it crumble to pieces.

Thanks to the anti-depressant medication, I haven't felt suicidal in a couple of months.  For them to work to their fullest though, I need to avoid alcohol, and I have done - for most of the year.  Sadly, without a little alcohol, I haven't felt 'good' either.  All of which makes me empathize with the people I know who suffer with bi-polar disorder.  At some point, all of them have stopped taking their medication because they miss feeling things; just like I get tempted to buy booze, hoping for the relief from numbness.  I've done pretty well this year.  I've been able to remind myself that the lower feelings afterward aren't worth it.


But living in the numb area between suicidal and energetic is boring.  Really boring.  I can't handle new characters or plot-lines, which leaves me with re-reading, re-watching, re-listening to stuff.  Sleeping.  Gazing out the window watching the light change.  Storm watching.  Trying to steer my mind away from self-pity, while paying attention to how I'm feeling. 

What IS the point where self-awareness becomes gratuitous?  When will I be able to stop considering my own thought processes and reactions, and just be?  Is that even possible for someone like me?

I have to find a way to refill.

Derri.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Better is relative.

"How are you feeling?" I feel better than the day I woke up in hospital.  Some days, that's all the 'better' I feel I've achieved.  Other days I can achieve more than that; I talk to people, laugh with them, even enjoy myself; before collapsing back to bed, my energy level back at zero. 'Are you feeling better?'  Well, yes, but better for me is not wanting to kill myself today.  I still have a lot of 'better' to go before I feel secure in my own stability. I understand that the people who care for me, are simply asking me (very importantly!) how I'm doing.  I understand that they don't have a timetable for me to meet.  I understand that my response is supposed to be honest, and without 'spin'.  This is roughly what goes through my head: If I tell them 'I feel bad today' will they think they could have done something different? it's not their fault I can't function today.  I can't say that.  If I tell them ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Iggle-aggle-oddle-adle-ay

Toddler Talk.  The noises junior humans make as they create language pathways in the brain.  This week, I dipped into my meagre energy savings, and visited people I adore, that I'm proud of, and I'm lucky enough to somehow be family to, despite being related to none of them.  It's been a while since I've been around a toddler - I've got other family and friends with younglings; but toddlers are their own class of people. Small humans are as diverse and fascinating as any other group of people.  Yet they're harder to get to know.  A small person's vocabulary is still being filled with words, and a conversation is an exercise in patience.  Truly junior humans, are even harder, as their words are barely that.  With all of them, the trick seems to be giving them a gap long enough to figure out what they want to say.  Even the wee-est seems to understand that I don't   understand, and will try to find a different path of expression. Ma...
Post a Comment
Read more

Rollicking Rossini

One of the things I've spoken to my counselor about; is what I DO with my days.  It's not a lot.  It's struggling to get out of bed.  It's finding the motivation to eat something that has some nutritional value.  Time spent trying to find focus to achieve something, anything.  Chapters of books, instead of whole ones.  Small puzzles instead of massive ones.  Amassing enough oomph to go and buy milk.   And lately?  While listening to classical music. Music is profound.  There's a reason you don't play dirges at weddings, the William Tell Overture at funerals, or waltzes at the gym.  Music is an emotional shortcut (this is why movies have soundtracks after all), it signals the appropriate mood for the moment.  Toddlers are the best examples of how music can hot-wire your brain.  Ever seen one stop in the middle of a room when a lively song is heard, and boogie on down?  I've discovered over the last few m...
Post a Comment
Read more