No, really.
Because I really don't know what you think, or what you mean, or what you intend; I only know what I think you think, or mean, or intend. Everything is filtered through my eyes, my ears, my understanding. Even when you try to explain it to me, I hear it through my mental filters.
My filters need some serious refurbishment. I've started working on them, and I've had experts help me with some of the ways I could make improvements. We all know my filters will always be damaged, and that even after I get them as clear as I can, I'll still need to be aware that they add a lot of rubbish to things.
Like a dirty diesel coughing it's way through spotless countryside, I can see that my broken filters have affected my relationships. It means I don't see the same issues the same way, and I'm only just learning how to look properly. It means accepting I have reasons to naturally distrust everyone, and trying to trust someone anyway. It means knowing my love of words can seem patronizing, but in trying not to sound like a twat, finding out I end up sounding condescending instead. It means attempting to see what someone else actually needs, not what I think they do. It's hard. Because NOT every reaction I have is inappropriate, and unlike being a child, I'm not getting any feedback on when I'm getting things right or wrong - I have to guess. It's tiring.
Those are my ponderings for this week. Pondered during half-times, between games, and before going to bed at breakfast time. The World Cup is keeping me up, and keeping up my mood too. Despite getting roughly 4 hours of sleep a night (day) I've felt pretty good this week. I laughed (out loud!) a couple of times (laughing feels bloody wonderful by the way), and I ran around with my nephew for a couple of minutes. I got dressed every day. I did laundry. I did a couple of jigsaws, and I even changed my sheets. Best of all? It occurred to me that I haven't had suicidal thoughts for about a month.
Yup. That counts as a good week.
Derri.
Because I really don't know what you think, or what you mean, or what you intend; I only know what I think you think, or mean, or intend. Everything is filtered through my eyes, my ears, my understanding. Even when you try to explain it to me, I hear it through my mental filters.
My filters need some serious refurbishment. I've started working on them, and I've had experts help me with some of the ways I could make improvements. We all know my filters will always be damaged, and that even after I get them as clear as I can, I'll still need to be aware that they add a lot of rubbish to things.
Like a dirty diesel coughing it's way through spotless countryside, I can see that my broken filters have affected my relationships. It means I don't see the same issues the same way, and I'm only just learning how to look properly. It means accepting I have reasons to naturally distrust everyone, and trying to trust someone anyway. It means knowing my love of words can seem patronizing, but in trying not to sound like a twat, finding out I end up sounding condescending instead. It means attempting to see what someone else actually needs, not what I think they do. It's hard. Because NOT every reaction I have is inappropriate, and unlike being a child, I'm not getting any feedback on when I'm getting things right or wrong - I have to guess. It's tiring.
Those are my ponderings for this week. Pondered during half-times, between games, and before going to bed at breakfast time. The World Cup is keeping me up, and keeping up my mood too. Despite getting roughly 4 hours of sleep a night (day) I've felt pretty good this week. I laughed (out loud!) a couple of times (laughing feels bloody wonderful by the way), and I ran around with my nephew for a couple of minutes. I got dressed every day. I did laundry. I did a couple of jigsaws, and I even changed my sheets. Best of all? It occurred to me that I haven't had suicidal thoughts for about a month.
Yup. That counts as a good week.
Derri.
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