Depression makes interacting with people difficult. It's not that I don't want to, or that I don't care; it's an inability to find a way to engage.
I watch other people spend time with each other; and see them manage to have silly, meaningful, worthwhile, ridiculous, and even deeply emotional conversations; and I wonder how they do it. I wonder how I used to do it. There's something missing now.
Imagine a wall full of interconnected wheels, a close knit circle of cogs is a family unit, and each of them connects with multiple relations and friends; who in turn are connected to their family units - and so on and so on. I feel like a cog with no teeth. There's nothing I can use to engage with other cogs. I'm there, I'm on the 'wall', in close proximity to plenty of others, I simply can't find a way to flow with them. My 'teeth' have worn to almost nothing. Sometimes one close to me manages to connect for a while, and I briefly feel part of the world.
Mostly it feels like I'm merely floating within bustle of activity; I have no purpose, no drive, no sense of passion. I can try really hard to flow at the same pace as everyone else, but THAT's like running up the down escalator while trying to talk quantum mechanics with someone walking up the up escalator. It's do-able, but exhausting. I can't keep it up for very long, and when I stop, I need rest.
What's hardest of all, is that I like interacting with other people. I really do. The Depression that lives in my head though, makes me dread it, makes me super aware of how much energy it takes to actively pay attention to someone else, makes me want to avoid it. The Depression makes me feel sluggish, slow, and well, stupid, which ALSO makes me want to avoid people. Lastly the Depression takes away the pleasure of having interacted with people. There's no sense of 'that was fun', only a looming period of exhaustion and inertia; and that Ladies and Gentlemen, leaves me lying in bed wondering what's the point?
My self-imposed isolation is the catch-22 of Depression. Stay in, keep what little energy you have, wish you could go out, be numb. Go out, feel something, be exhausted, really wish you hadn't, and be numb again.
"Tune in next week for more maudlin self-pity." - The Depression.
Derri.
I watch other people spend time with each other; and see them manage to have silly, meaningful, worthwhile, ridiculous, and even deeply emotional conversations; and I wonder how they do it. I wonder how I used to do it. There's something missing now.
Mostly it feels like I'm merely floating within bustle of activity; I have no purpose, no drive, no sense of passion. I can try really hard to flow at the same pace as everyone else, but THAT's like running up the down escalator while trying to talk quantum mechanics with someone walking up the up escalator. It's do-able, but exhausting. I can't keep it up for very long, and when I stop, I need rest.
What's hardest of all, is that I like interacting with other people. I really do. The Depression that lives in my head though, makes me dread it, makes me super aware of how much energy it takes to actively pay attention to someone else, makes me want to avoid it. The Depression makes me feel sluggish, slow, and well, stupid, which ALSO makes me want to avoid people. Lastly the Depression takes away the pleasure of having interacted with people. There's no sense of 'that was fun', only a looming period of exhaustion and inertia; and that Ladies and Gentlemen, leaves me lying in bed wondering what's the point?
My self-imposed isolation is the catch-22 of Depression. Stay in, keep what little energy you have, wish you could go out, be numb. Go out, feel something, be exhausted, really wish you hadn't, and be numb again.
"Tune in next week for more maudlin self-pity." - The Depression.
Derri.
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