Left. Right. Left. Right.

Monday. My day of self-assessment.

This week, all I can report is that I'm standing. I can report that I haven't been suicidal, and I can report I've had enough sleep.

I get asked "How are you doing?" by people who care. At times like these, all I can reply is that "I'm getting there.". Where exactly? I don't know. I'm just; getting there. I'm putting one metaphorical foot in front of another, and trying not to fall backward.

Ever walked on a treadmill? It's a bit like that. The Depression is the machine, determined that I fail and fall into the mire behind me - but this week; I've been able to keep up. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere close to the controls, but I haven't fallen backward either.

The whole situation is bloody frustrating. I work damned hard, to 'get' nowhere. So much sodding energy, just to not fall back. And this is a good week. Bad weeks, I can feel the gaping maw of nothing, drawing me in. It pulls at me, whispering that it would all be so much easier if I stopped fighting.

Bad weeks, I struggle to interact with anyone. Bad weeks, I have to battle to eat real (that contains actual ingredients, not just sugar) food. So when I get a good week, and yet achieve nothing - it's infuriating.

I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I have the support. I KNOW people care about me. I KNOW this isn't forever. Belief; is harder to come by. Even in the good weeks.

Am I getting closer to healing? I think so. Am I getting closer to self-sufficiency? Hmmm, not yet. Am I any closer to happiness? I don't know. Am I any closer to understanding? Depends on, to what.

But I'm getting there.

Derri.

Comments

Iggle-aggle-oddle-adle-ay

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Not Today.

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Rollicking Rossini

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Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

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