There's a suicide awareness tattoo that has become well known over the last few years.
It's powerful because it's true. The trick of waiting, choosing not to put an end to things, to instead put things on hold; is a relatively easy one to learn. Just put off the decision. If you can't put off the decision, put off the action. Make taking action into something difficult. Make it easier to do nothing.
My basic avoidance tool, is that my sister looks after my sleeping pills. I don't know where she hides them. On the days I can't put off the decision, and am thinking about how to take action; the simplest one, is now too much hard work, and all I can do, is pull the sheets over my head, and wait.
The brief time between survival over suicide, and the rise of the Depression is wonderful. A day, maybe two, of almost normal. Of being able to see things clearly. This time, I even managed to avoid comparing my ability to do stuff then vs now, and instead, just DID STUFF while I could.
It passes. My suicidal times are getting further apart, and I don't know if it's due to me coping better, events around me, or dumb luck, but I'll take it, whatever the reason.
This week, it took three days for the suicidal compulsion to ease. I was able to use the numb time afterward to catch up on basic hygiene chores; sheets, laundry, shower. I'm coming out of the hazy days now. As I start to feel more alert, I'll go back to having to fight every day for the awareness that I'm not alone, I do have support, and one day it will get better. So I'm bracing myself.
I'm tired now, and it's an honest tired. I stayed up late to watch my football team win their first game of the season; and damn if I didn't well up as the stands stood and sang:
Derri.
It's powerful because it's true. The trick of waiting, choosing not to put an end to things, to instead put things on hold; is a relatively easy one to learn. Just put off the decision. If you can't put off the decision, put off the action. Make taking action into something difficult. Make it easier to do nothing.
My basic avoidance tool, is that my sister looks after my sleeping pills. I don't know where she hides them. On the days I can't put off the decision, and am thinking about how to take action; the simplest one, is now too much hard work, and all I can do, is pull the sheets over my head, and wait.
The brief time between survival over suicide, and the rise of the Depression is wonderful. A day, maybe two, of almost normal. Of being able to see things clearly. This time, I even managed to avoid comparing my ability to do stuff then vs now, and instead, just DID STUFF while I could.
It passes. My suicidal times are getting further apart, and I don't know if it's due to me coping better, events around me, or dumb luck, but I'll take it, whatever the reason.
This week, it took three days for the suicidal compulsion to ease. I was able to use the numb time afterward to catch up on basic hygiene chores; sheets, laundry, shower. I'm coming out of the hazy days now. As I start to feel more alert, I'll go back to having to fight every day for the awareness that I'm not alone, I do have support, and one day it will get better. So I'm bracing myself.
I'm tired now, and it's an honest tired. I stayed up late to watch my football team win their first game of the season; and damn if I didn't well up as the stands stood and sang:
Derri.
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