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Driving Miss Crazy


Driving a manual/stick shift in rush hour traffic is an exercise in frustration.  You know how it goes.  1st gear, 2nd gear, 1st gear, 2nd gear, 1st gear, 2nd gear, ooh 3rd gear! bugger.  2nd gear, 1st gear, 2nd gear, and so on.  Knowing eventually you'll be able to stay in 3rd, get to 4th, and be back up to open road speeds as soon as the traffic eases.  In older cars, there's the additional stress of possible overheating; hearing the fan kick in, watching the temperature gauge, and hoping for a clear spot to gain some speed ahead. When you're in traffic, everyone else is dealing with the same situation.  While their automatic gearboxes, and more efficient cooling systems makes the experience less stressful, everyone knows we're all just waiting for the congestion to ease. 

This week, my Depression has me stuck in 1st and 2nd gear.  Others are having to move around me, any 'car troubles' they're having, not seeming to slow them down.  Yet, here am I; pouring fuel in, for very little output.  Not getting very far, nor very fast.  Stressful, exhausting, and mildly embarrassing (waving others on around me 'it's ok, go on ahead'), but It's faster than I was going before.  I was stationary, driverless, empty of fuel - but I'm trying to get back out onto the road of living, and it's going to take me a while longer to get up enough speed to safely merge into the flow.


It's progress, I know.  I'm capable of attempting more now.  It's also more than a little terrifying.  My 'car' was previously reliable, then it simply stopped in the middle of everything, causing a massive crash; for no clear reason.  Now I'm 'driving' again, and I don't trust that it won't happen again.  The damage to my confidence has been hard to get to grips with.  Working on getting moving again is taking far far longer than I dreamed.  I am though.  Moving.  It's slow, and it requires patience and understanding from those around me - which I'm lucky enough to have.


Like a learner driver who's made the leap from watching the road just in front of the car, to looking ahead, I'm getting better at anticipating the twists and turns.  All I need is a straight road, maybe with a slight downward grade, and I'll manage to get back up to speed.

Derri.
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