Pathway: "a path, course, route, or way (n)" I made one.
Last week was brutal. The aftermath of a fraught funeral meant I spent most of the week in bed. The exhaustion, numbness, heaviness, lethargy, and feelings of utter worthlessness; they'd all returned in full force. I felt I was back at 'the beginning' of my Everest journey; but here's a neat trick; turns out, I didn't have to struggle as hard to find a way forward this time. There was a 'path'. I knew there was a way out, I'd been there before. This time I knew I could get out, and that I would improve.
Last week was brutal. The aftermath of a fraught funeral meant I spent most of the week in bed. The exhaustion, numbness, heaviness, lethargy, and feelings of utter worthlessness; they'd all returned in full force. I felt I was back at 'the beginning' of my Everest journey; but here's a neat trick; turns out, I didn't have to struggle as hard to find a way forward this time. There was a 'path'. I knew there was a way out, I'd been there before. This time I knew I could get out, and that I would improve.
It was terrifying how completely I'd fallen down; as though into a tar pit, fighting the thick, sticky, heavy, weight of it - just to move. For five days, I barely got out of bed, barely ate, didn't shower, didn't get dressed, couldn't think, and could barely talk. Day six, I found the beginning of the path; and it's tricky to describe. A brief lessening of weight taken advantage of, a single thread of hope I managed to catch, seeing the tiniest spark of light; a sensation more than a thought process.
I'm learning. It's like trying to catch movement out of the corner of your eye. If you move to look at it, the movement stops. You have to let it come to you, without frightening whatever it is, off. Then, rather than grabbing at it; slowly follow the feeling forward - out of the pit.
I'm learning. It's like trying to catch movement out of the corner of your eye. If you move to look at it, the movement stops. You have to let it come to you, without frightening whatever it is, off. Then, rather than grabbing at it; slowly follow the feeling forward - out of the pit.
I'll admit, I got a bit manic once I found my way out of bed. The sheer relief that the 'episode' was over, made me a little light-headed. A little over confident maybe? Whatever it was, the nascent plan I had; to be brave and go back out on my own again, burst into life, and galloped forward full speed.
Domino Effect: "situation in which something happens, causing other similar events to happen (n)" There was one.
I figured (in my manic relief), if I could get through last week, I'm safe enough to be on my own. So put in motion some things to just see what I'd be looking at, if I decided to move out from my sister's house, back into the real world.
It seems I have a gift. I seem to have a knack for picking my moments. I've never been unemployed for long - I decide to look for a new position, a job appears, and I get it. Once I even got offered two jobs on the same day. I make a decision, and there's never the delays in action I expect. I expect to be kept waiting, nothing to be available, no options right now, I expect 'don't call us...' Yet, somehow, every time, it's as though the world is just waiting for me to push over that first domino.
Which is what happened. I sent a couple of emails. Instead of "We'll let you know when something's free"; I got "will confirm on Monday, but should be available next week". I'd figured I'd have time between letting the agent know I was prepared to wait for my ideal place, and one being free. Time to process, time to wrap my head around change. Instead, the dominoes are knocking each other into new patterns, and I have to trust the picture they make will be a good one.
Domino Effect: "situation in which something happens, causing other similar events to happen (n)" There was one.
I figured (in my manic relief), if I could get through last week, I'm safe enough to be on my own. So put in motion some things to just see what I'd be looking at, if I decided to move out from my sister's house, back into the real world.
It seems I have a gift. I seem to have a knack for picking my moments. I've never been unemployed for long - I decide to look for a new position, a job appears, and I get it. Once I even got offered two jobs on the same day. I make a decision, and there's never the delays in action I expect. I expect to be kept waiting, nothing to be available, no options right now, I expect 'don't call us...' Yet, somehow, every time, it's as though the world is just waiting for me to push over that first domino.
Which is what happened. I sent a couple of emails. Instead of "We'll let you know when something's free"; I got "will confirm on Monday, but should be available next week". I'd figured I'd have time between letting the agent know I was prepared to wait for my ideal place, and one being free. Time to process, time to wrap my head around change. Instead, the dominoes are knocking each other into new patterns, and I have to trust the picture they make will be a good one.
The week began by being scared of where I was. It ended with me freaking out on where I might be.
It's progress. I'll take it.
Derri
It's progress. I'll take it.
Derri
Comments
Post a Comment