It's been a difficult week for me. I went to see my Doctor, as my prescriptions needed to be renewed. My Doctor has been an anchor for the last couple of years, most notably, when the suicidal thoughts were strongest, he would randomly call, to make sure I was hanging on. 'Just doing his job' you say, and yes, he is. I'll add this. All doctors see to the health and well-being of their patients. All doctors do their jobs to the best of their abilities. All doctors are people too. Which means doctors, like teachers, like family, have individuality and are people you either click with or don't.
I trust my doctor. I am utterly honest with him. I tell him that I know I should exercise, that I always mean to, but that I don't. I admit that sometimes I drink booze instead of eat vegetables. In return, he rolls his eyes at me, and reminds me I know better, that when I do those things, I'm letting myself down, and that my sleeping issues can't be fixed if I don't take responsibility. He listens to me. This week, within five minutes, he told me; "you're more down than you have been, is it just your kids birthdays, or something else?" He pays attention to me, not just my notes.
He's leaving the region.
I have to find a new doctor. I left the office holding back tears. Building rapport with medical support people is crucial. I have to feel safe enough with them to be completely honest. Now I have to start again. Mental health issues aren't the same as physical ones. Even the most intimate physical issues, are a matter of 'pointing to the problem' and letting the doctor/surgeon/nurse/therapist do their job. Mental health issues mean talking to a stranger about things that make me cry, that leave me shaking, that cause nightmares. Speaking with utter honesty about things that you don't share with anyone.
Any new doctor will be a stranger, and these aren't simple conversations. I'm not looking forward to my next few doctors visits.
Oh, and my therapist is leaving too. Admittedly, she did tell me that she would be leaving when we first began our sessions, so I always knew when my time with her would be up, and it hasn't been as much of a shock. The fact that both of my 'front line' support people are abandoning me (because yes, it's all about me) at the same time, is proving brutal. Like missing a stair in the dark, I feel very insecure right now.
Derri.
I trust my doctor. I am utterly honest with him. I tell him that I know I should exercise, that I always mean to, but that I don't. I admit that sometimes I drink booze instead of eat vegetables. In return, he rolls his eyes at me, and reminds me I know better, that when I do those things, I'm letting myself down, and that my sleeping issues can't be fixed if I don't take responsibility. He listens to me. This week, within five minutes, he told me; "you're more down than you have been, is it just your kids birthdays, or something else?" He pays attention to me, not just my notes.
He's leaving the region.
I have to find a new doctor. I left the office holding back tears. Building rapport with medical support people is crucial. I have to feel safe enough with them to be completely honest. Now I have to start again. Mental health issues aren't the same as physical ones. Even the most intimate physical issues, are a matter of 'pointing to the problem' and letting the doctor/surgeon/nurse/therapist do their job. Mental health issues mean talking to a stranger about things that make me cry, that leave me shaking, that cause nightmares. Speaking with utter honesty about things that you don't share with anyone.
Oh, and my therapist is leaving too. Admittedly, she did tell me that she would be leaving when we first began our sessions, so I always knew when my time with her would be up, and it hasn't been as much of a shock. The fact that both of my 'front line' support people are abandoning me (because yes, it's all about me) at the same time, is proving brutal. Like missing a stair in the dark, I feel very insecure right now.
Derri.
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