Feeling good and feeling better are very different things.
This week I had an epiphany. Self care isn't about making myself feel good. It's not about eating the things that are delicious, it's not about watching the movies I know will make me smile, and it's not about saving up for a whiskey.
It's about making myself better. It's making sure that when I make a meal, I include vegetables, it's drinking water instead of juice, it's making sleep a priority, and it's leaving the house to do more than non-interactive grocery shopping.
Self care isn't easy. When the Depression is busy trying to convince me I'm not worth the effort, putting a healthy meal together is a mammoth effort. Putting together ANY meal is a mountain to climb. This week I managed once, and I managed to convince myself that because it was already difficult, making veges too wouldn't make it any harder. It didn't, and I ate all of it. I even felt satisfaction that I'd made myself a decent meal.
Water is tricky - living in the city, it's easy enough to buy bottled water, but I'm on a benefit, and simply can't justify buying something that comes free out of the tap. Tap water in the city tastes of chemicals instead of sky, so I have to remember to pour cooled boiled water into a bottle to refrigerate. I'm doing better. I've remembered, and filled my water bottle twice this week.
Sleeping is the hardest. Depression makes you tired, but the medication gives you insomnia. This means that even when I take my 'sleep hygiene' seriously, it's a coin toss if it will work. I already don't drink coffee, so caffeine isn't an issue, and I've got an alarm set to tell me it's time to turn off the devices, and read for a while before bed. I'm not turning off the alarm when I'm not tired any more, and things are... improving. I'm getting a 6+ hour sleep about half the time.
I went out this week. I went to a Game of Thrones quiz night. It took me weeks to go from wanting to go, to doing something about going. Not being part of a team, it took me longer to convince myself I could still go, and after a hundred inner battles about it not being worth the effort; I contacted the organizers and asked if I could join another group - they were more than happy to link me up with a group of strangers, and on the day, I fought the Depression telling me these strangers wouldn't want me, argued with the voice telling me it was too late, too long, too far away, too hot, too expensive... and went anyway. I met, spoke, and laughed with other people. I had a fun night, and when I got home, I put away my winnings, then went to bed - for 13 hours. People are exhausting.
It's work. Depression fights me at every turn. Why bother? Is a single helping of veges going to make a difference? It's too hard, why bother?. Juice is easier, water is a mission, why bother? I'm not tired, there's nothing you want to do tomorrow, why bother getting a 'normal' night's sleep? Why spend weeks saving enough money to go out, when all you get is an overpriced beer, average food, and exhausting interactions with people you'll likely never see again, why bother?
Seriously. Why bother?
This is where you come in. My family. My friends. My silent support people, who read, from all over the world. You think I should, and I'm learning that when it comes to an opinion on my own relevance to the world, I can't be trusted - so I have to trust the people who constantly show me that they think I should bother.
Self care this week:
One day I'll do these things for me because I believe I'm worth it. For now, I have to remember that the aim is to feel better.
Derri.
This week I had an epiphany. Self care isn't about making myself feel good. It's not about eating the things that are delicious, it's not about watching the movies I know will make me smile, and it's not about saving up for a whiskey.
It's about making myself better. It's making sure that when I make a meal, I include vegetables, it's drinking water instead of juice, it's making sleep a priority, and it's leaving the house to do more than non-interactive grocery shopping.
Self care isn't easy. When the Depression is busy trying to convince me I'm not worth the effort, putting a healthy meal together is a mammoth effort. Putting together ANY meal is a mountain to climb. This week I managed once, and I managed to convince myself that because it was already difficult, making veges too wouldn't make it any harder. It didn't, and I ate all of it. I even felt satisfaction that I'd made myself a decent meal.
Water is tricky - living in the city, it's easy enough to buy bottled water, but I'm on a benefit, and simply can't justify buying something that comes free out of the tap. Tap water in the city tastes of chemicals instead of sky, so I have to remember to pour cooled boiled water into a bottle to refrigerate. I'm doing better. I've remembered, and filled my water bottle twice this week.
Sleeping is the hardest. Depression makes you tired, but the medication gives you insomnia. This means that even when I take my 'sleep hygiene' seriously, it's a coin toss if it will work. I already don't drink coffee, so caffeine isn't an issue, and I've got an alarm set to tell me it's time to turn off the devices, and read for a while before bed. I'm not turning off the alarm when I'm not tired any more, and things are... improving. I'm getting a 6+ hour sleep about half the time.
I went out this week. I went to a Game of Thrones quiz night. It took me weeks to go from wanting to go, to doing something about going. Not being part of a team, it took me longer to convince myself I could still go, and after a hundred inner battles about it not being worth the effort; I contacted the organizers and asked if I could join another group - they were more than happy to link me up with a group of strangers, and on the day, I fought the Depression telling me these strangers wouldn't want me, argued with the voice telling me it was too late, too long, too far away, too hot, too expensive... and went anyway. I met, spoke, and laughed with other people. I had a fun night, and when I got home, I put away my winnings, then went to bed - for 13 hours. People are exhausting.
It's work. Depression fights me at every turn. Why bother? Is a single helping of veges going to make a difference? It's too hard, why bother?. Juice is easier, water is a mission, why bother? I'm not tired, there's nothing you want to do tomorrow, why bother getting a 'normal' night's sleep? Why spend weeks saving enough money to go out, when all you get is an overpriced beer, average food, and exhausting interactions with people you'll likely never see again, why bother?
Seriously. Why bother?
This is where you come in. My family. My friends. My silent support people, who read, from all over the world. You think I should, and I'm learning that when it comes to an opinion on my own relevance to the world, I can't be trusted - so I have to trust the people who constantly show me that they think I should bother.
Self care this week:
- A real meal with vegetables
- 2 bottles of water
- 3 almost 'normal' night's sleep (including 1 extra long 'went out' sleep)
- 1 night of leaving the house
Derri.
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